1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,533 ANNOUNCER: Please welcome Alonzo Bodden! 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 3 00:00:03,533 --> 00:00:06,567 (audience cheering) 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 5 00:00:09,667 --> 00:00:11,767 ♪ ♪ 6 00:00:11,767 --> 00:00:13,033 Yes! 7 00:00:13,033 --> 00:00:15,266 Yes! 8 00:00:15,266 --> 00:00:16,500 How you guys doing? 9 00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:17,600 (audience cheering) 10 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:18,700 All right! 11 00:00:18,700 --> 00:00:21,500 All right, yeah! 12 00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:23,133 Yeah! 13 00:00:23,133 --> 00:00:25,100 I like this. 14 00:00:25,100 --> 00:00:27,333 I like... What's up, up top? 15 00:00:27,333 --> 00:00:29,166 Yes! 16 00:00:29,166 --> 00:00:30,233 This is nice. 17 00:00:30,233 --> 00:00:31,333 What's up, up there? 18 00:00:31,333 --> 00:00:34,700 Chicago! 19 00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:38,133 I like it. 20 00:00:38,133 --> 00:00:40,467 I like it, man. 21 00:00:40,467 --> 00:00:42,000 What's up, Chicago? How you guys doing? 22 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,333 I'm-I'm happy to be here. 23 00:00:44,333 --> 00:00:46,000 It is, yeah, it is great. 24 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,533 I-I love your city. 25 00:00:47,533 --> 00:00:51,000 I lo-- I just got through touring Canada. 26 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,266 I got to admit, I got to admit 27 00:00:52,266 --> 00:00:55,066 I love my country, I love the United States, 28 00:00:55,066 --> 00:00:56,367 but when it comes to certain issues, 29 00:00:56,367 --> 00:00:58,200 it's kind of nice being in Canada. 30 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:01,400 Like, in Canada, they have a thing called health care. 31 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,000 (laughter, cheering) 32 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,433 And-and it's not 33 00:01:04,433 --> 00:01:06,500 a sin to have health care. 34 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,433 I don't, how did that become the issue 35 00:01:08,433 --> 00:01:11,133 that we became so divided over? 36 00:01:11,133 --> 00:01:13,400 You know what I mean? Like, people get so... 37 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,100 Congress, they get so upset over health care. 38 00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:17,633 In Canada, they have health care. 39 00:01:17,633 --> 00:01:19,667 Now, I don't know the history of Canada. 40 00:01:19,667 --> 00:01:21,400 I don't know how it started. 41 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:24,166 But I imagine that, some time, in Canada, 42 00:01:24,166 --> 00:01:26,700 somebody said, "Hey, people are getting sick." 43 00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:29,633 And somebody else said, 44 00:01:29,633 --> 00:01:31,734 "We should take care of them." 45 00:01:31,734 --> 00:01:33,700 And then they had health care. 46 00:01:33,700 --> 00:01:36,133 In the United States, President Obama 47 00:01:36,133 --> 00:01:38,166 came up with a health care plan. 48 00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:40,033 The Republicans are like, "Health care for poor people? 49 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:42,700 "We will shut down the government... 50 00:01:42,700 --> 00:01:45,033 in the name of Jesus." 51 00:01:45,033 --> 00:01:47,166 (laughter, applause) 'Cause they... 52 00:01:51,033 --> 00:01:54,467 They always slip Jesus in on things Jesus 53 00:01:54,467 --> 00:01:56,500 would have nothing to do with. 54 00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:58,300 (crowd cheering) Right? Like... 55 00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:01,700 Listen, I'm not biblical; I'm not an expert; 56 00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:06,367 but I'm pretty confident Jesus would be okay with health care. 57 00:02:06,367 --> 00:02:08,533 You know, it just seems like the kind of thing 58 00:02:08,533 --> 00:02:09,734 he'd go along, you know? 59 00:02:09,734 --> 00:02:12,333 Jesus used to lay hands on the sick. 60 00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:15,734 I don't think he ever asked a leper if he had insurance. 61 00:02:15,734 --> 00:02:17,567 Uh... 62 00:02:17,567 --> 00:02:19,166 What? No insurance? 63 00:02:19,166 --> 00:02:21,200 I don't lay hands on uninsured lepers. 64 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,133 Who let you in here? 65 00:02:23,133 --> 00:02:25,400 Now, listen, you put your legs back in the basket 66 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,333 and crawl your ass out of here. 67 00:02:27,333 --> 00:02:28,667 How dare you! 68 00:02:32,467 --> 00:02:34,300 It-it, you-you don't know 69 00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:37,033 how bad your health insurance is till you go to use it. 70 00:02:37,033 --> 00:02:38,667 I found out I have some 71 00:02:38,667 --> 00:02:42,066 raggedy-ass health insurance, man. 72 00:02:42,066 --> 00:02:43,567 I went to the doctor, my doctor was like, 73 00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:47,300 "Look, if anything ever happens to you, 74 00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:50,000 "get in the car... 75 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,533 "because your car insurance is so much better 76 00:02:52,533 --> 00:02:54,500 than your health insurance..." 77 00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,400 He told me. 78 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,200 He was like, "If you feel bad, 79 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,066 "you crash into something, let the airbag hit you, 80 00:03:04,066 --> 00:03:06,633 and I might be able to save your ass." 81 00:03:06,633 --> 00:03:09,367 Because my health insurance 82 00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:10,767 got a whole column 83 00:03:10,767 --> 00:03:12,567 that's just labeled: "Let him die." 84 00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:14,233 Just let him go. 85 00:03:14,233 --> 00:03:16,133 If he got that, nah, he ain't gonna make it. 86 00:03:16,133 --> 00:03:17,500 Don't waste no money. 87 00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:19,033 I don't know. 88 00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:20,500 You got, you got to have health insurance, right? 89 00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,100 'Cause you might get sick. You never know 90 00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:23,633 when something might happen, right? 91 00:03:23,633 --> 00:03:26,233 Ebola? Anybody? 92 00:03:26,233 --> 00:03:29,400 Anybody... no-nobody got the Ebola? 93 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,633 You-you, it-it... Every time, there's always 94 00:03:31,633 --> 00:03:33,700 these diseases that we're all gonna get, 95 00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:35,433 we're all gonna die, then it goes away 96 00:03:35,433 --> 00:03:37,066 and nobody knows what happened to it. 97 00:03:37,066 --> 00:03:40,567 Six months ago, we were all gonna get Ebola. 98 00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:42,400 Everybody was gonna... Did anyone else notice 99 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:46,667 that Ebola disappeared the day after the mid-term elections? 100 00:03:46,667 --> 00:03:48,767 Right? We were, like... 101 00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:51,000 (cheering, applause) 102 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,000 We were all gonna get Ebola. 103 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,100 The Republicans won Congress. 104 00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:57,100 Suddenly the news was like, "Look at Kim Kardashian's ass. 105 00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:59,400 How about that? It just..." 106 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,266 It went away. But I... what...? 107 00:04:01,266 --> 00:04:03,133 Ebola hits New York City! 108 00:04:03,133 --> 00:04:04,567 I'm from New York. 109 00:04:04,567 --> 00:04:06,266 New York is an angry-ass city. 110 00:04:06,266 --> 00:04:10,200 You think New York got time for Ebola? 111 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,667 New York will run that shit off to Jersey. 112 00:04:12,667 --> 00:04:15,400 You understand? 113 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,767 New York, they'd be, "I ain't got... 114 00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:18,233 Get across the bridge!" 115 00:04:18,233 --> 00:04:20,233 (cheering, applause) 116 00:04:20,233 --> 00:04:22,367 I live in L.A. now. 117 00:04:22,367 --> 00:04:25,133 Let me tell you something-- if Ebola caused weight loss, 118 00:04:25,133 --> 00:04:28,200 you couldn't keep it on the shelves. 119 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,767 Women just be lined up at Whole Foods like, 120 00:04:30,767 --> 00:04:34,633 "Girl, I got to get some of that Ebola! That..." 121 00:04:34,633 --> 00:04:36,667 Never know, man. 122 00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:38,633 Measles is back, right? 123 00:04:38,633 --> 00:04:40,166 Which people is say is bad. 124 00:04:40,166 --> 00:04:41,533 I don't know if it's bad. 125 00:04:41,533 --> 00:04:43,100 Might not be a bad thing. 126 00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:44,667 Because maybe measles is back, 127 00:04:44,667 --> 00:04:46,233 they'll call it retro 128 00:04:46,233 --> 00:04:49,100 and all the hipsters will get it and die. 129 00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:51,000 Yes. 130 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,667 (applause, cheering) 131 00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:56,633 I'm sorry, there is no more annoying group of people 132 00:04:56,633 --> 00:04:59,467 than the hip... Whenever I see one of them beards 133 00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:02,200 and-and-and they, and they wear the skinny jeans. 134 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:04,133 They wear the tight-ass jeans. 135 00:05:04,133 --> 00:05:07,633 And I never, I don't understand a man in skinny jeans. 136 00:05:07,633 --> 00:05:09,333 I ain't never seen a woman, like, 137 00:05:09,333 --> 00:05:12,200 "Ooh, I want my man in some skinny jeans! 138 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,767 "There ain't nothing like a man... 139 00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:15,734 "I want them just tight and smooth. 140 00:05:15,734 --> 00:05:17,033 "No package at all. 141 00:05:17,033 --> 00:05:20,266 Just smooth, tight-ass jeans." 142 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,166 But they have to wear skinny jeans, 143 00:05:24,166 --> 00:05:26,100 'cause they're so skinny. 144 00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:30,367 I've never seen grown men with zero muscle development. 145 00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:32,433 Like... 146 00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:36,166 there must be no protein in a kale salad, because... 147 00:05:36,166 --> 00:05:39,367 like, you see them, their arm has no taper. 148 00:05:39,367 --> 00:05:43,333 The shoulder and the wrist are the same size. 149 00:05:43,333 --> 00:05:45,367 Really, if you're a young woman, 150 00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:47,200 if you can't open the jar, 151 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,100 the jar's not getting opened. 152 00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:52,066 Because... 153 00:05:52,066 --> 00:05:55,033 the hipster would actually snap his elbow 154 00:05:55,033 --> 00:05:58,166 trying to apply torque... 155 00:05:58,166 --> 00:06:01,100 And they smoke electronic cigarettes. 156 00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:03,166 And there is nothing more bitch-ass... 157 00:06:03,166 --> 00:06:04,734 (laughter) 158 00:06:04,734 --> 00:06:06,233 ...than... 159 00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,667 (applause) 160 00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:12,166 ...a grown man as he puffs on flavored steam. 161 00:06:12,166 --> 00:06:13,767 All right? 162 00:06:13,767 --> 00:06:15,567 Listen, you're a man. You want to smoke? 163 00:06:15,567 --> 00:06:19,000 You risk cancer like a man. 164 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:23,533 You don't walk up to me puffing cherry jubilee for God's sake. 165 00:06:23,533 --> 00:06:26,667 'Cause the minute I smell it, I just slap the shit 166 00:06:26,667 --> 00:06:28,300 right out of their mouth. 167 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:30,000 And you can do that, 'cause they're hipsters. 168 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,266 They won't hit back. They'll... 169 00:06:32,266 --> 00:06:34,100 they'll just write an angry poem. 170 00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:36,133 It's what they... 171 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:40,400 But-but getting back to the health thing, 172 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,200 I'm not saying that-that the health care plan, 173 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,667 the Obamacare, whatever you want to call it, 174 00:06:43,667 --> 00:06:45,500 it's not perfect. 175 00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:47,533 There are certain parts of the plan that don't make sense. 176 00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:49,533 Like, there's a thing, they want young people 177 00:06:49,533 --> 00:06:52,500 to buy health insurance to offset the older people 178 00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:55,533 who need insurance, and that's not gonna work. 179 00:06:55,533 --> 00:06:59,367 'Cause when you're young, that is your health insurance. 180 00:06:59,367 --> 00:07:01,166 Right? Nothing hurts when you're young. 181 00:07:01,166 --> 00:07:02,300 Remember when you were in your 20s? 182 00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:04,133 Nothing hurt. You be 22, 183 00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:05,600 you fall out of a moving car, 184 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,633 you're like, "Damn, I ripped my shirt. 185 00:07:08,633 --> 00:07:12,033 I ripped my shirt falling out of this car." 186 00:07:12,033 --> 00:07:13,734 (woman whoops) 187 00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:15,500 I joke about it, but the truth is 188 00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:17,133 I'm actually in good health. 189 00:07:17,133 --> 00:07:19,066 I've never been in better health, 190 00:07:19,066 --> 00:07:21,133 and I know because I have been through 191 00:07:21,133 --> 00:07:23,667 some of the most extensive medical testing 192 00:07:23,667 --> 00:07:25,700 you can imagine. 193 00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:28,333 See, recently I donated a kidney to my brother, right? 194 00:07:28,333 --> 00:07:30,133 (applause, cheering) 195 00:07:30,133 --> 00:07:31,400 No, don't clap, don't clap, don't clap. 196 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:34,300 Don't clap. He owed me money. 197 00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:35,633 I... I was like, 198 00:07:35,633 --> 00:07:37,433 "I'll be damned if you're gonna skate out 199 00:07:37,433 --> 00:07:40,066 "on that bad kidney bullshit, all right? 200 00:07:40,066 --> 00:07:41,200 "I got two, you get one. 201 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,467 "Your ass going back to work. 202 00:07:42,467 --> 00:07:44,400 That's what we gonna do." 203 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,200 And-and it wasn't bad. It wasn't like the old days. 204 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,700 You know, where you donate a kidney, 205 00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:51,734 and you wake up in a bathtub full of ice in Venezuela. 206 00:07:51,734 --> 00:07:54,166 Like, they don't do it that way anymore. 207 00:07:54,166 --> 00:07:56,367 It's-it's called laparoscopic surgery, right? 208 00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:58,200 So they did three little incisions here. 209 00:07:58,200 --> 00:07:59,734 And they go in with a camera. 210 00:07:59,734 --> 00:08:01,767 Then they kind of inflated me, which is weird. 211 00:08:01,767 --> 00:08:03,133 Then they do a little cut here, 212 00:08:03,133 --> 00:08:04,467 and they go in with a hook. 213 00:08:04,467 --> 00:08:06,200 And they take out the kidney, right? 214 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:07,600 And I'm like, "That's not surgery. 215 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,600 "I got friends go in with a slim jim, 216 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,633 "and pull that out and they could do that shit in the dark. 217 00:08:12,633 --> 00:08:14,667 You know what I'm saying?" 218 00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:16,734 And I said that to the doctor and the doctor laughed, right? 219 00:08:16,734 --> 00:08:19,333 Fortunately, I had a doctor with a sense of humor, 220 00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:21,467 because I like to mess with people, you know. 221 00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:23,467 So what they do is you-you come in, 222 00:08:23,467 --> 00:08:25,600 there's two surgical teams and they're kind of a mirror. 223 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,533 One team's gonna take the kidney out of me. 224 00:08:27,533 --> 00:08:29,600 The other team's gonna put the kidney in my brother. 225 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,166 So there's two surgeons, 226 00:08:31,166 --> 00:08:33,200 two kidney doctors, doctors, etcetera. 227 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,000 We're all in this room-- 228 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,233 me and my brother, the doctors-- 229 00:08:36,233 --> 00:08:38,200 and they show you on the computer, 230 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,567 they show you a computer simulation of the surgery, 231 00:08:40,567 --> 00:08:42,500 'cause they want to make sure I'm willing to go through. 232 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:44,767 They're like, "Look, now, you, you have any concern, 233 00:08:44,767 --> 00:08:47,333 any question, just let us know." 234 00:08:47,333 --> 00:08:48,667 And I'm looking, I'm like, "Yeah, man. 235 00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:51,000 "This-this looks hard. You, uh, 236 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,367 you ever done this before?" 237 00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:54,500 Right? And the doctor's laughing. 238 00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,300 He's like, "What? Are you kidding?" 239 00:08:56,300 --> 00:08:58,667 And I'm like, "Yeah, like, you got to go to college 240 00:08:58,667 --> 00:09:00,166 to do this shit, right?" 241 00:09:00,166 --> 00:09:01,233 So he's like, "What do you...? 242 00:09:01,233 --> 00:09:02,467 "My partner and I, 243 00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:04,533 "we've done hundreds of transplants. 244 00:09:04,533 --> 00:09:06,700 We're like Jordan and Pippen." 245 00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:08,567 And I was like, "Your ass better be Jordan." 246 00:09:08,567 --> 00:09:10,266 (laughter) 247 00:09:10,266 --> 00:09:12,000 That's right. Nah. 248 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,133 You give my brother Pippen. 249 00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:15,000 I want Jordan. 250 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,300 That's right. 251 00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:17,734 And I want number 23 Jordan. 252 00:09:17,734 --> 00:09:21,333 I don't want number 45. 253 00:09:21,333 --> 00:09:25,200 'Cause he has slowed down, you know what I'm say... 254 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,200 The anesthesiologist came in-- 255 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,133 and I wish this was a joke, 256 00:09:30,133 --> 00:09:31,633 but absolutely true-- he walked in, he said, 257 00:09:31,633 --> 00:09:33,734 "This is gonna be the most restful day of your life. 258 00:09:33,734 --> 00:09:35,266 "I'm gonna put you 259 00:09:35,266 --> 00:09:37,066 into Michael Jackson sleep." 260 00:09:37,066 --> 00:09:38,533 (laughter, gasping) 261 00:09:38,533 --> 00:09:41,133 And I said, "I better be black when I wake up." 262 00:09:41,133 --> 00:09:43,100 (laughter) 263 00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:45,700 I saw what you clowns did to Mike. 264 00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:47,467 I ain't having it. 265 00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:49,367 And my mother was there, obviously, 266 00:09:49,367 --> 00:09:51,433 right, 'cause they're putting both her sons under. 267 00:09:51,433 --> 00:09:53,266 And if anything goes wrong, 268 00:09:53,266 --> 00:09:55,066 she stands to collect a lot of money. 269 00:09:55,066 --> 00:09:56,433 So I don't blame her for showing... 270 00:09:56,433 --> 00:09:59,066 But again, the surgical technology 271 00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:00,500 was fascinating, you know? 272 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,066 Like, they showed me 273 00:10:02,066 --> 00:10:04,133 a three-dimensional X-ray of my body. 274 00:10:04,133 --> 00:10:06,266 It was amazing-- all the organs in place, what's all... 275 00:10:06,266 --> 00:10:09,200 surgical technology-- amazing. 276 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:10,734 However... 277 00:10:10,734 --> 00:10:13,633 the hospital gown, all right? 278 00:10:13,633 --> 00:10:15,300 For some reason, 279 00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:18,600 this thing hasn't changed ever. 280 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,066 Right? Like, the first guy made one. 281 00:10:21,066 --> 00:10:22,200 They're like, "Wow, nailed it. 282 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,700 "First shot. 283 00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:27,667 No, we see no need to ever improve on that design." 284 00:10:27,667 --> 00:10:30,734 Like, first of all, it had to have been designed 285 00:10:30,734 --> 00:10:34,567 when people were about four feet tall, right? 286 00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:36,633 'Cause it's only this long. It's-it comes to right here. 287 00:10:36,633 --> 00:10:39,200 And the back is fully open 288 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,600 with two long strings 289 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:45,300 that no one in the hospital knows how to tie. 290 00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:46,667 They-they just give it to you. 291 00:10:46,667 --> 00:10:48,500 And you're like, "No, can't... 292 00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:50,133 No, this is..." 293 00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:54,233 So now, you're wearing the open back miniskirt. 294 00:10:54,233 --> 00:10:56,567 Right? Not a good look for anybody. 295 00:10:56,567 --> 00:10:58,567 And they're about to put me out. 296 00:10:58,567 --> 00:11:00,533 And they, and they, and if you've ever had surgery, 297 00:11:00,533 --> 00:11:02,600 you know when you're out, your ass is out, right? 298 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,467 Like, I have no recollection of this surgery. 299 00:11:04,467 --> 00:11:06,533 People, like, "How'd surgery go?" 300 00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:08,166 I'm like, "They could've taken extra shit. 301 00:11:08,166 --> 00:11:10,333 I don't know what they did." 302 00:11:10,333 --> 00:11:12,100 But they told me, they said, "When you're waking up, 303 00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:13,633 "when you're coming out of Michael Jackson sleep, 304 00:11:13,633 --> 00:11:16,300 "the important thing is we need you to get up, right? 305 00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,767 "That's how we know you're okay. 306 00:11:17,767 --> 00:11:19,367 We need... So..." 307 00:11:19,367 --> 00:11:20,600 I'm like, "I got it. I can get up. I got it." 308 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,333 So-so they knock me out, they do the surgery. 309 00:11:22,333 --> 00:11:23,367 So now I'm in the recovery room. 310 00:11:23,367 --> 00:11:24,633 And you're high, you know. 311 00:11:24,633 --> 00:11:26,333 You're like, "Whoa," right? 312 00:11:26,333 --> 00:11:28,133 But-but I gotta get up, right? I'm focused. 313 00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:31,767 So-so I swing one leg out of the bed, right? 314 00:11:31,767 --> 00:11:33,367 And then I swing the other leg out 315 00:11:33,367 --> 00:11:34,567 and I stood up. 316 00:11:34,567 --> 00:11:36,233 And there's my mother 317 00:11:36,233 --> 00:11:37,300 and there's my junk, right there. 318 00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:38,567 "Just take a look at that, Ma. 319 00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:41,033 "Wow, they shaved it. 320 00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:44,166 Just like last time you saw it, huh?" 321 00:11:44,166 --> 00:11:47,567 Not a good day for Mom. 322 00:11:47,567 --> 00:11:51,633 She had to do that twice, so that's not good. 323 00:11:51,633 --> 00:11:53,633 Uh... so, anyway, 324 00:11:53,633 --> 00:11:55,533 so I was talking about Canada. 325 00:11:55,533 --> 00:11:58,200 You know, again, social issues, right? 326 00:11:58,200 --> 00:11:59,533 Gay marriage. There's another one. 327 00:11:59,533 --> 00:12:01,533 Like, we've been going back and forth 328 00:12:01,533 --> 00:12:03,400 over gay marriage for ten years. 329 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:04,700 The Canadian gay marriage debate, 330 00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:07,367 I think that lasted about two minutes. 331 00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:09,667 All right? They were like, "Gays want to get married. 332 00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:12,166 Well, it's cold." 333 00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:15,700 Right? And that was it. 334 00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:18,033 We... we finally... 335 00:12:18,033 --> 00:12:20,000 (audience laughing) 336 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,066 It's amazing how long it took you 337 00:12:22,066 --> 00:12:25,233 to figure that one out. 338 00:12:25,233 --> 00:12:28,200 We finally have come up with, like, 339 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,166 we have gay marriage now, 340 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:33,033 but it's, like, they hate it so much, they get so angry, 341 00:12:33,033 --> 00:12:35,033 that they've come up with these new laws to stop... 342 00:12:35,033 --> 00:12:37,400 They have these "religious freedom laws." 343 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,266 And again, it's the most backwards, 344 00:12:39,266 --> 00:12:41,033 twisted use of religion. 345 00:12:41,033 --> 00:12:43,000 Like, we-we have our religion, 346 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,567 gives us the freedom 347 00:12:44,567 --> 00:12:46,767 to discriminate against certain people. 348 00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:49,033 You know, like, again, Jesus was big on discriminating 349 00:12:49,033 --> 00:12:51,567 against people, right? So... 350 00:12:51,567 --> 00:12:53,700 So the way it works, they have these... 351 00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:56,066 If I don't want to serve, like, gay weddings, right? 352 00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:57,233 Like, I don't have to. 353 00:12:57,233 --> 00:12:59,033 So in Indiana, 354 00:12:59,033 --> 00:13:00,700 we had a pizzeria 355 00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:04,000 that refused to serve pizza 356 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,567 to gay weddings. 357 00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:09,533 Not that any gay wedding ever ordered pizza. 358 00:13:09,533 --> 00:13:11,266 Right? There's never been a gay wedding 359 00:13:11,266 --> 00:13:13,567 where they were like, "Man, you know what we need, man, is 360 00:13:13,567 --> 00:13:15,333 some good pizza." Right? But... 361 00:13:15,333 --> 00:13:19,467 But-but they said it is within their religious freedom 362 00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:22,700 to not serve pizza to gay weddings 363 00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:25,033 that have never asked for pizza. 364 00:13:25,033 --> 00:13:27,066 And just to make sure 365 00:13:27,066 --> 00:13:29,033 that they don't lose any money 366 00:13:29,033 --> 00:13:33,000 not serving pizza to people who didn't want pizza, 367 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,734 they started a GoFundMe page 368 00:13:35,734 --> 00:13:37,667 to raise money to offset 369 00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:39,333 the money that they were gonna lose 370 00:13:39,333 --> 00:13:42,133 not serving pizza 371 00:13:42,133 --> 00:13:44,467 to people who don't want pizza. 372 00:13:44,467 --> 00:13:47,066 And they-they raised $800,000 373 00:13:47,066 --> 00:13:49,533 to make sure they never have to serve pizza 374 00:13:49,533 --> 00:13:52,467 to gay people that don't want pizza. 375 00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:55,100 And in light of this information, 376 00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,633 I, Alonzo Bodden, will now announce 377 00:13:57,633 --> 00:14:00,500 that I will not do comedy 378 00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:02,266 at gay weddings 379 00:14:02,266 --> 00:14:05,500 that have never asked me to do comedy. 380 00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:07,300 And just to make sure 381 00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:08,633 I never have to do comedy 382 00:14:08,633 --> 00:14:11,133 at a gay wedding that doesn't want comedy, 383 00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:13,633 I have started a GoFundMe page. 384 00:14:16,367 --> 00:14:19,767 Send your money so I don't have to do comedy 385 00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:24,367 for gays who don't want it, just like Jesus said. 386 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:30,500 It is, it is unbelievable 387 00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:32,734 the divisions we have. Like race. 388 00:14:32,734 --> 00:14:35,200 Race is still an issue in this country. 389 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,233 You'd think, by now, we'd have worked out something. 390 00:14:37,233 --> 00:14:38,667 But what's amazing... 391 00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:40,400 not only is racism, like, coming back bigger, 392 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,000 but the places that... 393 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,367 it's colleges and universities, 394 00:14:45,367 --> 00:14:47,000 that you would think would be 395 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,734 the most open-minded places in the world-- 396 00:14:48,734 --> 00:14:51,000 the most blatant racism. 397 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,133 University of Oklahoma, they have a fraternity 398 00:14:53,133 --> 00:14:55,066 just singing a song, like, 399 00:14:55,066 --> 00:14:57,667 "Hang a nigger from a tree, no niggers in the fraternity." 400 00:14:57,667 --> 00:14:59,633 And I'm listening to this, I'm like, "Yeah? 401 00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:03,266 What if all the niggers quit the football team?" 402 00:15:03,266 --> 00:15:05,700 Oh, there'd be a whole new song then, wouldn't there? 403 00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:08,700 "Oh, we need our niggers back! 404 00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:10,400 "Where's our niggers at? 405 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:13,300 We can't win, ah!" 406 00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:15,567 And I thought that would've been great, 407 00:15:15,567 --> 00:15:17,467 if all the black players had, like, just quit 408 00:15:17,467 --> 00:15:19,333 the basketball and football teams. 409 00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:22,000 But here's the thing: they couldn't do that, 410 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,600 because the NCAA, 411 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,467 which is the organization that runs college football, 412 00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:27,433 there's a rule that if you quit the team, 413 00:15:27,433 --> 00:15:29,266 like, you lose your scholarship 414 00:15:29,266 --> 00:15:31,400 and if you go somewhere else, you have to wait a year to play. 415 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:32,767 They control everything. 416 00:15:32,767 --> 00:15:34,633 And a lot of people were mad about this. 417 00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:36,567 They said, "You're-you're controlling these kids." 418 00:15:36,567 --> 00:15:38,033 They said it's like slavery. 419 00:15:38,033 --> 00:15:39,300 And I said, "That's ridiculous." 420 00:15:39,300 --> 00:15:41,567 College football is nothing like slavery, 421 00:15:41,567 --> 00:15:45,200 because slavery were big, white institutions 422 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,567 run by rich, white men 423 00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:50,300 where young, black men did all the work. 424 00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:53,333 But, see, college football's nothing like that. 425 00:15:53,333 --> 00:15:56,467 College football is where they have big, white scho... 426 00:15:56,467 --> 00:15:59,700 All right, so that's not the best example, but... 427 00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:03,767 (applause) 428 00:16:03,767 --> 00:16:05,700 A-And I'm not saying 429 00:16:05,700 --> 00:16:08,066 that white kids can't play football. 430 00:16:08,066 --> 00:16:09,266 But let's be honest. 431 00:16:09,266 --> 00:16:10,700 If you see an all-white team, 432 00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:12,600 I think we know which way you gonna bet. 433 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,367 All right? Just... 434 00:16:15,367 --> 00:16:16,600 It's unbelievable. 435 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,166 Racism in sports, man. 436 00:16:18,166 --> 00:16:19,433 I'm in L.A., all right? 437 00:16:19,433 --> 00:16:20,600 We got the L.A. Clippers. 438 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:22,700 Last year, middle of the play-offs, 439 00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:24,433 the owner of the Clippers just comes out 440 00:16:24,433 --> 00:16:27,066 "I don't want black people at my games!" 441 00:16:27,066 --> 00:16:31,200 You own an NBA franchise. 442 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:35,000 You talk about not knowing your product! 443 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,367 You don't want black people at a basketball game? 444 00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:40,233 That's like having a Starbucks 445 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,500 and saying, "Why are they here so early in the morning?" 446 00:16:47,266 --> 00:16:49,200 It was ridiculous. 447 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,400 And, uh, you know, and I was upset, right? 448 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,233 'Cause I had tickets to the game. 449 00:16:53,233 --> 00:16:56,367 But now I'm not sure if I can go to the game or not, 450 00:16:56,367 --> 00:16:59,066 'cause I don't know what black people are gonna do. 451 00:16:59,066 --> 00:17:00,767 Let me tell you right now, you don't want to be black 452 00:17:00,767 --> 00:17:02,200 and do some un-black shit. 453 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:03,767 All right? You're like... 454 00:17:03,767 --> 00:17:06,066 I don't want to be the only brother at the game. 455 00:17:06,066 --> 00:17:08,734 But I don't know what the plan is. 456 00:17:08,734 --> 00:17:10,633 Because the game was coming up 457 00:17:10,633 --> 00:17:14,500 before the next meeting. 458 00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,233 Some of you are laughing, 459 00:17:16,233 --> 00:17:17,533 some of you are like, "I knew they had meetings! 460 00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:21,000 "I knew it! 461 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,033 I never see Leroy on Wednesday nights." 462 00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:29,700 Fortunately, fortunately, the NBA did the right thing. 463 00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,266 You know, they banned Donald Sterling, right? 464 00:17:32,266 --> 00:17:34,400 Said the team's gonna get a new owner and everything. 465 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:35,667 Everybody went to the game. 466 00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:36,767 Very exciting, very good, 467 00:17:36,767 --> 00:17:38,600 but still a little edgy, you know? 468 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,533 Like, the riot police showed up, right? 469 00:17:40,533 --> 00:17:43,667 And what they do, the riot police come in on horseback 470 00:17:43,667 --> 00:17:45,300 and they line up the horses. 471 00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:46,400 That's how they do crowd control, 472 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,000 there's a row of horses. 473 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,533 And I saw something I had never seen before. 474 00:17:50,533 --> 00:17:53,033 The horses had face shields on. 475 00:17:53,033 --> 00:17:54,266 Right? 476 00:17:54,266 --> 00:17:55,700 And I'm thinking, 477 00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:58,533 "How mad did they think the brothers were?" 478 00:17:58,533 --> 00:18:00,633 You know? I've been around angry people before. 479 00:18:00,633 --> 00:18:02,700 I ain't never been around somebody so mad 480 00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:06,433 they were ready to punch a horse in the face. 481 00:18:06,433 --> 00:18:08,367 You know how mad you have to be to punch 482 00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:09,700 a big-ass horse, y'all? 483 00:18:09,700 --> 00:18:11,133 Fuck a horse up? 484 00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:13,467 Hey, hey, now. 485 00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:16,433 We don't need to involve PETA in this, relax. 486 00:18:18,533 --> 00:18:20,667 You know? And we live in an age 487 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,300 of social media, right? 488 00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:24,400 And instant communication. 489 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,133 Which is great, except that idiots have the same access 490 00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:30,600 to instant communication as everyone else. 491 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,767 Consequently, as soon as something happens, 492 00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:34,533 you have to deal with the idiot opinion. 493 00:18:34,533 --> 00:18:36,100 Right? So as soon as he said, 494 00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:37,633 "I don't want black people at the game," 495 00:18:37,633 --> 00:18:39,300 we had a bunch of people say, 496 00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,033 "Well, if you don't want black people there, 497 00:18:41,033 --> 00:18:43,567 just buy a hockey team," right? 498 00:18:43,567 --> 00:18:45,533 Which... right. 499 00:18:45,533 --> 00:18:47,500 It's... not only is that stupid, 500 00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:50,066 it wouldn't work, because there are black hockey players now. 501 00:18:50,066 --> 00:18:52,033 Yeah, and not just one or two, 502 00:18:52,033 --> 00:18:54,633 like, there's-there's a lot of black hockey players, 503 00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,633 and I know, because when you see one, 504 00:18:56,633 --> 00:18:59,367 they don't announce him as "the black hockey player." 505 00:18:59,367 --> 00:19:01,333 Like... whenever there's only one, 506 00:19:01,333 --> 00:19:03,333 that's the only thing you ever gonna hear is: 507 00:19:03,333 --> 00:19:05,667 "he the black hockey player." No, no, there's... 508 00:19:05,667 --> 00:19:08,066 I didn't realize how many brothers 509 00:19:08,066 --> 00:19:09,433 were playing hockey. I was like, 510 00:19:09,433 --> 00:19:11,333 "You guys need to start coming to the meetings, 511 00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:13,667 "so that we would know... 512 00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:16,467 We could lend our support." 513 00:19:16,467 --> 00:19:17,600 Yeah. 514 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:18,734 Black people are playing hockey. 515 00:19:18,734 --> 00:19:20,767 You know what that means. 516 00:19:20,767 --> 00:19:24,233 NASCAR is nervous as shit. 517 00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:28,400 (applause, cheering) 518 00:19:30,100 --> 00:19:32,633 NASCAR is like, "What? 519 00:19:32,633 --> 00:19:35,266 "They learned to skate? 520 00:19:35,266 --> 00:19:38,533 Shit, they gonna learn to drive." 521 00:19:40,333 --> 00:19:41,533 It's weird, man. 522 00:19:41,533 --> 00:19:43,033 You-you run into it, you know... 523 00:19:43,033 --> 00:19:45,233 the South, you still get a lot of... 524 00:19:45,233 --> 00:19:46,700 Like, whenever I go to the South, 525 00:19:46,700 --> 00:19:48,266 I'll be the first to admit, 526 00:19:48,266 --> 00:19:50,200 I get racially paranoid. 527 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,700 Whenever I have to go to the South, 528 00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:54,100 I always expect some weird shit to happen... 529 00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:57,533 and they've never let me down. 530 00:19:57,533 --> 00:19:59,200 I was in Knoxville, Tennessee. 531 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,100 And this woman, like, "How y'all doing? 532 00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:02,567 Y'all having a good time? How y'all doing?" 533 00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:04,233 And she looks at me, she says, 534 00:20:04,233 --> 00:20:05,734 "Oh, you don't hear 'y'all' 535 00:20:05,734 --> 00:20:08,233 north of the Mason-Dixon line." 536 00:20:08,233 --> 00:20:10,000 And I was like, 537 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:14,233 "I don't hear 'Mason-Dixon line' 538 00:20:14,233 --> 00:20:16,333 "north of the Mason-Dixon line. 539 00:20:17,667 --> 00:20:21,000 "What year are you living in 540 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:24,133 "that 'Mason-Dixon line' is an accurate geographic reference? 541 00:20:24,133 --> 00:20:25,633 "Now let me tell you something, lady, 542 00:20:25,633 --> 00:20:27,266 "I got a GPS right here. 543 00:20:27,266 --> 00:20:30,133 There is no Mason-Dixon line..." 544 00:20:30,133 --> 00:20:32,633 I'm glad you guys got that joke, 545 00:20:32,633 --> 00:20:35,500 'cause when I do it, half the people don't get that joke. 546 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:39,000 And it's usually the half below the Mason-Dixon line, so... 547 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,033 but... 548 00:20:42,567 --> 00:20:44,734 Oh, it's weird, man, but it's funny. 549 00:20:44,734 --> 00:20:46,166 Like, weird things happen with race. 550 00:20:46,166 --> 00:20:49,200 I was at an international comedy festival 551 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:50,667 and had some of the strangest experiences... 552 00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:52,367 Like, there was an Asian comic. 553 00:20:52,367 --> 00:20:54,633 She came out and there was an Asian lady in the audience, 554 00:20:54,633 --> 00:20:57,667 and she asked her, "What are you?" 555 00:20:57,667 --> 00:20:59,266 Right? And I'm backstage, 556 00:20:59,266 --> 00:21:01,734 and I'm like, "Shit, you don't know?" 557 00:21:01,734 --> 00:21:04,300 'Cause I always thought that was kind of racist on my part, 558 00:21:04,300 --> 00:21:06,333 to not know, and then I realized, like, no, 559 00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:08,300 that's just a cultural thing 560 00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,233 and-and it's something I'm not familiar with, right? 561 00:21:10,233 --> 00:21:12,200 Because black people, we don't know that about our culture. 562 00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:14,133 Other cultures know that, right? 563 00:21:14,133 --> 00:21:17,333 So you have Asians, they know the different Asian countries. 564 00:21:17,333 --> 00:21:19,300 You might be Chinese or Japanese 565 00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:21,367 or Vietnamese or something like that, right? 566 00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:24,166 If you're Latin, you might be Dominican or Puerto Rican. 567 00:21:24,166 --> 00:21:25,467 You know, white people, you might be French, 568 00:21:25,467 --> 00:21:27,734 German or Italian or whatever. 569 00:21:27,734 --> 00:21:29,000 Like, with black people, 570 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:30,700 you never hear that. 571 00:21:30,700 --> 00:21:33,500 We just black. Right? 572 00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:35,600 'Cause our history got lost, so you don't know. 573 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:37,233 There's a Web site now 574 00:21:37,233 --> 00:21:41,633 where you can send in your DNA and send money 575 00:21:41,633 --> 00:21:44,266 and they tell you where in Africa you came from. 576 00:21:44,266 --> 00:21:45,500 And I'm like, 577 00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:46,734 "That sounds good, 578 00:21:46,734 --> 00:21:48,734 "but how the hell do I know 579 00:21:48,734 --> 00:21:50,700 if it's true?" 580 00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:54,066 It might just be some guy in his basement 581 00:21:54,066 --> 00:21:56,200 with a laptop. 582 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:57,600 Right? He's collecting my money 583 00:21:57,600 --> 00:21:59,066 and he's like, "Uh... you're from, uh, 584 00:21:59,066 --> 00:22:00,734 "Fuck it. The Congo. 585 00:22:00,734 --> 00:22:03,000 Yeah, you're from the Congo." 586 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,266 Right? I don't know. 587 00:22:04,266 --> 00:22:06,233 "Are you, like... You kind of short? 588 00:22:06,233 --> 00:22:09,533 Yeah, you're a pygmy. You're a pygmy." 589 00:22:09,533 --> 00:22:11,200 Uh... and it's weird. 590 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,433 And-and at the same thing, the festival, 591 00:22:13,433 --> 00:22:16,233 I had the strangest racial encounter I ever had. 592 00:22:16,233 --> 00:22:17,567 And it was strange 593 00:22:17,567 --> 00:22:20,233 because it was with another black person. 594 00:22:20,233 --> 00:22:22,133 Right? It was a brother from Africa. 595 00:22:22,133 --> 00:22:23,500 He did his set, very funny, 596 00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:25,066 but after his set, 597 00:22:25,066 --> 00:22:26,367 he starts talking shit to us, 598 00:22:26,367 --> 00:22:27,633 to the brothers from the United States, 599 00:22:27,633 --> 00:22:30,533 telling us how racism is worse in Africa 600 00:22:30,533 --> 00:22:32,700 than it is in America. Right? 601 00:22:32,700 --> 00:22:34,500 And I'm like, "All right, man, I'll give you that. 602 00:22:34,500 --> 00:22:37,100 Apartheid, much more recent. You had to deal..." 603 00:22:37,100 --> 00:22:38,367 But he wouldn't let it go. 604 00:22:38,367 --> 00:22:39,734 He talking shit now. 605 00:22:39,734 --> 00:22:42,467 I'm starting to get mad, right? 606 00:22:42,467 --> 00:22:45,567 'Cause while America's not perfect, it is still my country. 607 00:22:45,567 --> 00:22:47,166 You know, you talk shit, I go, 608 00:22:47,166 --> 00:22:49,133 "You shut your Ebola-ass up," you know? 609 00:22:53,066 --> 00:22:55,367 Finally, I find myself 610 00:22:55,367 --> 00:22:58,467 in the most unusual and awkward position 611 00:22:58,467 --> 00:23:01,533 of defending American racists... 612 00:23:01,533 --> 00:23:03,400 (laughter) 613 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:06,500 ...as some of the greatest racists in the world. 614 00:23:06,500 --> 00:23:08,166 (laughter, applause) 615 00:23:08,166 --> 00:23:11,233 I'm like, "How dare you challenge our racism, 616 00:23:11,233 --> 00:23:13,066 "you arrogant son of a bitch! 617 00:23:13,066 --> 00:23:16,734 "You know how long they've been hating niggers around here? 618 00:23:16,734 --> 00:23:20,500 "Shit, have you ever met the American hillbilly? 619 00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:24,333 You black and talk funny, he'll kill you twice." 620 00:23:25,734 --> 00:23:28,033 As I'm saying, in the back of my head, 621 00:23:28,033 --> 00:23:31,066 there's a voice like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" 622 00:23:31,066 --> 00:23:35,367 I was conflicted in my racial defense. 623 00:23:35,367 --> 00:23:37,133 It's weird, man. 624 00:23:37,133 --> 00:23:38,600 I-I don't know what's funny. 625 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,533 So I watch the news. 626 00:23:40,533 --> 00:23:42,400 People ask me what's funny, they always ask if you're a comic, 627 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,166 they're like, "What-what makes you laugh?" 628 00:23:44,166 --> 00:23:46,667 I watch the news, I laugh my ass off. 629 00:23:46,667 --> 00:23:48,567 The n... It's comical. 630 00:23:48,567 --> 00:23:51,433 Now, you can't watch too much, 'cause you'll get depressed. 631 00:23:51,433 --> 00:23:53,700 But you just watch it for about 15, 20 minutes, 632 00:23:53,700 --> 00:23:56,500 you'll be like, "This shit is insane." 633 00:23:56,500 --> 00:23:58,500 It's so funny, like, 'cause-'cause they always... 634 00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:01,500 Like, for one thing, we don't have any real news. 635 00:24:01,500 --> 00:24:04,667 You have news with different points of view, right? 636 00:24:04,667 --> 00:24:07,033 So you have, like, liberal news and the conservative news, 637 00:24:07,033 --> 00:24:10,667 and then you got the fucking "we just made this shit up" news. 638 00:24:10,667 --> 00:24:13,300 Right? Like-like, my favorite thing on the news 639 00:24:13,300 --> 00:24:15,233 is when they try to be politically correct, 640 00:24:15,233 --> 00:24:19,033 they try to not offend anybody, so they use the codes. 641 00:24:19,033 --> 00:24:21,467 Like we don't know what the hell they're talking about. 642 00:24:21,467 --> 00:24:25,400 You know, like, "Today, a group of urban youths..." 643 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:27,333 (laughter, applause) 644 00:24:27,333 --> 00:24:30,100 "You mean those black kids behind you?" 645 00:24:30,100 --> 00:24:32,400 There ain't never been a white urban youth. 646 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,400 I think we're onto you. 647 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,667 "The illegal aliens..." 648 00:24:37,667 --> 00:24:39,600 "Oh, you mean the Mexicans." 649 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:43,667 Ain't no illegal Canadians sneaking around. 650 00:24:43,667 --> 00:24:45,600 "She's an outspoken woman." 651 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:49,066 "Ah, she's being a bitch, isn't she? Yeah." 652 00:24:49,066 --> 00:24:51,333 See, I know the codes, I know... 653 00:24:51,333 --> 00:24:53,667 "He's a true patriot." 654 00:24:53,667 --> 00:24:57,600 "He's a crazy white guy with a gun." 655 00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:01,100 They ain't never been a black or Mexican "true patriot" 656 00:25:01,100 --> 00:25:03,500 running around, all right? 657 00:25:03,500 --> 00:25:05,767 You let a black guy walk around with a gun, 658 00:25:05,767 --> 00:25:07,500 going, "I know my rights." 659 00:25:07,500 --> 00:25:09,033 He'd be, "Yeah, you got the right to remain s... 660 00:25:09,033 --> 00:25:10,066 You know what, fuck it." 661 00:25:10,066 --> 00:25:11,367 Bang. "Shut up." 662 00:25:13,633 --> 00:25:15,734 It's crazy, 'cause we have... we have a gun culture 663 00:25:15,734 --> 00:25:17,166 that is... that is unbeliev... 664 00:25:17,166 --> 00:25:19,500 Everyone in America has a gun, 665 00:25:19,500 --> 00:25:21,400 except for black kids running from the cops. 666 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:23,000 Those poor bastards. 667 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:24,700 Uh, look how weird it got just now, you go... 668 00:25:24,700 --> 00:25:26,500 (laughter) 669 00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:28,367 You go, "Hey, don't bring reality into this shit." 670 00:25:28,367 --> 00:25:31,767 Uh, it-it's unbelievable, 671 00:25:31,767 --> 00:25:34,567 the p-position we've reached with the police, 672 00:25:34,567 --> 00:25:37,100 with white police killing unarmed black people. 673 00:25:37,100 --> 00:25:38,266 It's amazing. 674 00:25:38,266 --> 00:25:40,033 And again, you have the news, 675 00:25:40,033 --> 00:25:41,467 it's-it's so hilarious, the coverage. 676 00:25:41,467 --> 00:25:43,233 Like, you watch the conservative news, 677 00:25:43,233 --> 00:25:46,166 and they, you know, "white... white cop kills a black..." 678 00:25:46,166 --> 00:25:48,000 Like, "Why you making it about race?!" 679 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,367 Well, shit, 'cause it ain't about height. 680 00:25:50,367 --> 00:25:52,333 (laughter, applause) 681 00:25:52,333 --> 00:25:54,633 All right? 'Cause I seen black people 682 00:25:54,633 --> 00:25:59,600 of all different sizes getting killed by white cops. 683 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,533 (applause continues) 684 00:26:02,533 --> 00:26:05,400 It-it's hilarious, the-the way they try to justify. 685 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:07,233 "Well, what about black-on-black crime? 686 00:26:07,233 --> 00:26:09,266 Gang members kill each other." 687 00:26:09,266 --> 00:26:10,367 I'm, like, "Yeah, you know why? 688 00:26:10,367 --> 00:26:12,367 "'Cause it's their fucking job. 689 00:26:12,367 --> 00:26:14,133 "'Cause when you join a gang, 690 00:26:14,133 --> 00:26:16,000 "I think one of the first things they tell you: 691 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:17,367 "'All right, now, do you remember, this gang? 692 00:26:17,367 --> 00:26:19,266 You got to fucking kill members of that gang.'" 693 00:26:19,266 --> 00:26:21,200 That's a... You're a cop, 694 00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,567 you're supposed to protect us from shit like that. 695 00:26:23,567 --> 00:26:25,066 And they're like, "Well, there are good cops." 696 00:26:25,066 --> 00:26:26,300 And it's true, there are good cops. 697 00:26:26,300 --> 00:26:28,066 There are a lot of good cops. 698 00:26:28,066 --> 00:26:29,734 But how come there's never a good cop around 699 00:26:29,734 --> 00:26:32,700 when a bad cop is whipping your ass? 700 00:26:32,700 --> 00:26:35,467 Right? You... never see... 701 00:26:38,066 --> 00:26:41,467 ...never see five bad cops whipping some guy's ass, 702 00:26:41,467 --> 00:26:43,166 and then a good cop comes along and says, 703 00:26:43,166 --> 00:26:44,700 "Hey, stop this shit." 704 00:26:44,700 --> 00:26:47,233 No, you see five bad cops whipping somebody's ass, 705 00:26:47,233 --> 00:26:51,300 then you see a sixth bad cop say, "Fuck, can I get some?" 706 00:26:51,300 --> 00:26:52,700 Bad, man, it's a bad... 707 00:26:52,700 --> 00:26:54,567 It's-it's real, though, it's real. 708 00:26:54,567 --> 00:26:56,200 'Cause we... we've reached... 709 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:57,767 There's no common sense. 710 00:26:57,767 --> 00:26:59,400 That-that's the problem, you know? 711 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,133 Like, like with the gun thing. 712 00:27:01,133 --> 00:27:05,567 Like, Congress tried to ban armor-piercing bullets, right? 713 00:27:05,567 --> 00:27:07,567 Now, these are bullets, their only design... 714 00:27:07,567 --> 00:27:09,133 they're designed to kill humans. 715 00:27:09,133 --> 00:27:10,567 That's the only thing you could use... 716 00:27:10,567 --> 00:27:12,433 That's why it's called "armor-piercing." 717 00:27:12,433 --> 00:27:14,166 It will go through body armor, 718 00:27:14,166 --> 00:27:17,066 it will go through the side of a car, it's... and the... 719 00:27:17,066 --> 00:27:19,500 The NRA was like, "No, you can't ban those. 720 00:27:19,500 --> 00:27:21,533 We need those for hunting." 721 00:27:21,533 --> 00:27:23,100 (scattered laughter) 722 00:27:23,100 --> 00:27:25,500 Now, I'm not a hunter, all right? 723 00:27:25,500 --> 00:27:28,500 So I can't speak from experience. 724 00:27:28,500 --> 00:27:31,066 But I think if I'm hunting 725 00:27:31,066 --> 00:27:35,333 and I see a deer wearing a bulletproof vest, 726 00:27:35,333 --> 00:27:39,066 then I'm-a let that one go. 727 00:27:39,066 --> 00:27:43,066 You know, I'm guessing-- fuck, he knows somebody, you know? 728 00:27:43,066 --> 00:27:44,400 Right? 729 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:46,000 He wearing a bulletproof vest. 730 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:47,734 Uh, he got friends and shit. 731 00:27:49,100 --> 00:27:51,633 No common sense. 732 00:27:51,633 --> 00:27:54,000 School shootings have reached such... 733 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:56,700 such a proportion, we're not even shocked anymore 734 00:27:56,700 --> 00:27:58,300 when there's a school shooting. 735 00:27:58,300 --> 00:27:59,500 It's a sad state we're in, but it's like, 736 00:27:59,500 --> 00:28:01,533 "Oh, fuck, it happened again," you know? 737 00:28:01,533 --> 00:28:03,233 Now-now, to their defense, 738 00:28:03,233 --> 00:28:05,667 the NRA did have a plan to stop school shootings. 739 00:28:05,667 --> 00:28:07,200 Right? They said, 740 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,633 "Well, let's just arm the teachers." 741 00:28:10,633 --> 00:28:12,533 Well, yeah, what could go wrong there? 742 00:28:12,533 --> 00:28:14,467 (laughter) 743 00:28:14,467 --> 00:28:16,433 Right? The average kindergarten teacher 744 00:28:16,433 --> 00:28:19,266 is a 24-year-old woman fresh out of college. 745 00:28:19,266 --> 00:28:21,333 She's still scared of bugs. 746 00:28:21,333 --> 00:28:23,367 (laughter) 747 00:28:23,367 --> 00:28:25,200 Right? 748 00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:28,633 And you think you just gonna toss her a high-powered weapon, 749 00:28:28,633 --> 00:28:31,200 and suddenly everything's gonna be all right? 750 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:32,767 Yeah, shit will be great. 751 00:28:32,767 --> 00:28:36,700 Until she sees a spider. 752 00:28:36,700 --> 00:28:38,667 Like, "Oh, my God, what happened to the back row?!" 753 00:28:38,667 --> 00:28:41,600 "Well, Miss Wilson saw a bug, that's what happened. 754 00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:43,233 "Hey, we yelled, 'Duck.' 755 00:28:43,233 --> 00:28:45,633 "Those kids are slow back there. You... 756 00:28:45,633 --> 00:28:48,433 Miss Wilson sees a bug, you got to hit the dirt." 757 00:28:48,433 --> 00:28:52,433 And it's always... it's always the same argument, right? 758 00:28:52,433 --> 00:28:55,367 From the NRA-- "The Second Amendment to the Constitution. 759 00:28:55,367 --> 00:28:56,600 "We have the right to bear arms. 760 00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:57,734 We need a militia." 761 00:28:57,734 --> 00:28:58,767 And blah, blah, blah. 762 00:28:58,767 --> 00:29:00,500 Like, shut up! 763 00:29:00,500 --> 00:29:02,533 That was written hundreds of years ago. 764 00:29:02,533 --> 00:29:04,667 You know why they said we needed a militia? 765 00:29:04,667 --> 00:29:07,400 'Cause we didn't have an army back then. 766 00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:10,266 We have one now, right? 767 00:29:10,266 --> 00:29:12,033 And one day... one day, 768 00:29:12,033 --> 00:29:14,033 scientists are gonna come up with a time machine, 769 00:29:14,033 --> 00:29:16,367 and these guys are gonna get to go back in time 770 00:29:16,367 --> 00:29:18,100 and actually meet the Founding Fathers 771 00:29:18,100 --> 00:29:20,166 and talk to them about this. 772 00:29:20,166 --> 00:29:21,567 You imagine? 773 00:29:21,567 --> 00:29:23,233 Founding Father'd be, "What?! 774 00:29:23,233 --> 00:29:24,767 "What, machine gun?! 775 00:29:24,767 --> 00:29:27,667 "80-round clip, what the hell is wrong with you? 776 00:29:27,667 --> 00:29:30,600 "Look at me, I have a musket. 777 00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:34,600 "It takes 20 minutes to load this damn thing. 778 00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:38,300 "Mass murder, who's got that kind of time? 779 00:29:38,300 --> 00:29:39,300 "Are you kidding? 780 00:29:39,300 --> 00:29:41,166 "I got crops to bring in. 781 00:29:41,166 --> 00:29:45,533 "'80-round clip,' what else have you fucked up in the future?! 782 00:29:45,533 --> 00:29:48,133 A black president?!" 783 00:29:48,133 --> 00:29:50,133 (laughter, applause) 784 00:29:50,133 --> 00:29:53,233 "What? 785 00:29:53,233 --> 00:29:55,433 "What the hell are you people... 786 00:29:55,433 --> 00:29:57,433 Well, who owns him?" 787 00:29:57,433 --> 00:30:00,066 (laughter, groaning) 788 00:30:00,066 --> 00:30:01,767 "Free?! 789 00:30:01,767 --> 00:30:05,400 "Free, you mean they just run around?! 790 00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:08,667 "Well, how do you get any work done? 791 00:30:08,667 --> 00:30:10,300 What's a Mexican?" 792 00:30:10,300 --> 00:30:12,200 (laughter, applause) 793 00:30:15,333 --> 00:30:17,066 That's right. 794 00:30:17,066 --> 00:30:21,166 Politically incorrect but historically accurate humor... 795 00:30:21,166 --> 00:30:24,400 just for you, my friends. 796 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:27,033 That was hilarious to me. 797 00:30:27,033 --> 00:30:28,367 (whooping) 798 00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:37,600 No, I'm just laughing, 'cause when I said, "Who owns him?", 799 00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:39,533 you guys acted shocked. 800 00:30:39,533 --> 00:30:43,433 Like, "Oh, my God, you mean they used to own black people? 801 00:30:43,433 --> 00:30:46,000 What is this you talk about?" 802 00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:47,734 Oh, man, I don't know. 803 00:30:47,734 --> 00:30:49,500 I was, like... talking about the black president, man, 804 00:30:49,500 --> 00:30:51,100 Barack Obama, shit. 805 00:30:51,100 --> 00:30:53,700 I admire Barack Obama, I do. 806 00:30:53,700 --> 00:30:55,667 (applause, cheering, whooping) I do. 807 00:30:58,133 --> 00:31:00,367 'Cause I'm-a tell you right now, that "black president" shit 808 00:31:00,367 --> 00:31:03,367 ain't working out like it was in the brochure, is it? 809 00:31:03,367 --> 00:31:06,433 You know, going in, he'd be, "I'm the first black president. 810 00:31:06,433 --> 00:31:08,367 This is historic, this is gonna be great." 811 00:31:08,367 --> 00:31:10,700 Now it's been six years, he, like, "This is bullshit. 812 00:31:10,700 --> 00:31:13,233 You can have this shit." 813 00:31:13,233 --> 00:31:15,600 You know? It's-it's amazing, it's ama... 814 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:18,033 Because if you could... if you could separate 815 00:31:18,033 --> 00:31:21,133 from the racial aspect and just look at what he's done, 816 00:31:21,133 --> 00:31:22,667 honestly, he's been one 817 00:31:22,667 --> 00:31:24,433 of the greatest presidents we've ever had, he... 818 00:31:24,433 --> 00:31:25,433 Right? We were... 819 00:31:25,433 --> 00:31:27,333 (whooping, applause) 820 00:31:29,500 --> 00:31:30,734 Right? I mean, let's be honest. 821 00:31:30,734 --> 00:31:32,300 The country was broke; 822 00:31:32,300 --> 00:31:33,567 we were in the middle of two wars; 823 00:31:33,567 --> 00:31:35,200 people didn't have jobs; 824 00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:36,467 shit was just a mess. 825 00:31:36,467 --> 00:31:38,000 You know, he came in; 826 00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:39,700 he fucking... he got bin Laden, right? 827 00:31:39,700 --> 00:31:41,300 Saved the auto industry; 828 00:31:41,300 --> 00:31:42,533 unemployment's down, right? 829 00:31:42,533 --> 00:31:44,100 Price of gas is down; 830 00:31:44,100 --> 00:31:46,000 soldiers coming home, and they're like, 831 00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:47,400 "Man, we hate Barack Obama." 832 00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:48,633 "Why? 'Cause he's black?" 833 00:31:48,633 --> 00:31:50,166 "No, his policies." 834 00:31:50,166 --> 00:31:53,467 Yeah, chief policy-- his ass is black. 835 00:31:53,467 --> 00:31:54,700 That's the number one, I know... 836 00:31:54,700 --> 00:31:56,633 But I, but I admire him. 837 00:31:56,633 --> 00:31:59,667 I admire him 'cause Barack Obama doesn't snap, right? 838 00:31:59,667 --> 00:32:02,567 He doesn't let it get to him. He stays right here. 839 00:32:02,567 --> 00:32:03,767 No matter what happens, he's like, 840 00:32:03,767 --> 00:32:06,000 "I can deal with it, I'm the president." 841 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:07,333 Takes the middle of the road, 842 00:32:07,333 --> 00:32:10,000 even when you know, on some personal level, 843 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:11,533 that shit has to bother him, right? 844 00:32:11,533 --> 00:32:15,033 Like, I was talking about cops killing black kids. 845 00:32:15,033 --> 00:32:17,000 Now, you... He's a black man. 846 00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:20,767 I know, on some level, that shit has to make him mad. 847 00:32:20,767 --> 00:32:22,767 But he doesn't let it... He doesn't let you know. 848 00:32:22,767 --> 00:32:24,633 He's like, "I'm-a let the Justice Department handle it. 849 00:32:24,633 --> 00:32:26,533 "The courts will take care of it. 850 00:32:26,533 --> 00:32:28,533 Everybody, stay calm." 851 00:32:28,533 --> 00:32:30,333 Just once, I'd like... just... 852 00:32:30,333 --> 00:32:31,734 tell us what you really think, man. 853 00:32:31,734 --> 00:32:33,433 Just... come... 854 00:32:33,433 --> 00:32:35,133 I'd love Barack Obama just walk up to the podium, 855 00:32:35,133 --> 00:32:38,033 "Y'all shoot another nigga, I will unleash the Army! 856 00:32:38,033 --> 00:32:39,300 "Oh, shit, did I say that? 857 00:32:39,300 --> 00:32:40,467 "Did I say... 858 00:32:40,467 --> 00:32:41,333 "Michelle, did I say...? 859 00:32:41,333 --> 00:32:42,500 Oh, my..." 860 00:32:45,567 --> 00:32:47,533 I want to hear Barack Obama say "nigger" 861 00:32:47,533 --> 00:32:51,467 just so I can watch heads on Fox News explode. 862 00:32:51,467 --> 00:32:53,066 Like... 863 00:32:53,066 --> 00:32:54,066 Yeah. 864 00:32:54,066 --> 00:32:56,734 (laughter, applause) 865 00:32:56,734 --> 00:33:00,633 That would literally be the one thing that they couldn't handle. 866 00:33:00,633 --> 00:33:02,567 They'd be, "Oh, my God, he said, 'nigger.' 867 00:33:02,567 --> 00:33:03,567 Can we say it? No. Aah!" 868 00:33:03,567 --> 00:33:05,734 (imitates explosion) 869 00:33:05,734 --> 00:33:08,033 "Today Bill O'Reilly died." 870 00:33:08,033 --> 00:33:10,734 "What happened?" "Too many niggers in his head." 871 00:33:10,734 --> 00:33:13,400 Just popped right the fuck off. 872 00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:15,133 I don't know, man. 873 00:33:15,133 --> 00:33:18,100 And-and I mentioned, I mentioned, uh, the military. 874 00:33:18,100 --> 00:33:20,133 And I got to give a shout-out to the military, 875 00:33:20,133 --> 00:33:23,233 because I-I, I've been, I've done military shows, I've... 876 00:33:23,233 --> 00:33:25,600 Yeah, you can clap for them, clap for them. 877 00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:28,133 (applause, cheering) That's right. 878 00:33:32,667 --> 00:33:35,700 But that's a tough-ass job, every branch of the military, 879 00:33:35,700 --> 00:33:37,600 and I respect them, and I'm-I'm fortunate enough 880 00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:39,500 I get to entertain them. 881 00:33:39,500 --> 00:33:41,767 And I like to joke with them, I like to fuck with all of them. 882 00:33:41,767 --> 00:33:44,767 Except Marines. 883 00:33:44,767 --> 00:33:46,500 I don't mess with Marines, man, 884 00:33:46,500 --> 00:33:49,000 'cause Marines are bad-ass, you know what I mean? Like... 885 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:51,767 And you can tell by-by what... 886 00:33:51,767 --> 00:33:53,500 This is how you know what branch you're dealing with. 887 00:33:53,500 --> 00:33:55,066 The commercials. 888 00:33:55,066 --> 00:33:58,033 Ever watch the commercials that recruit, 889 00:33:58,033 --> 00:34:00,533 and they always tell you what you can do after you get out? 890 00:34:00,533 --> 00:34:03,166 Right? Like, you learn a skill you can use. 891 00:34:03,166 --> 00:34:05,233 You know, so if you're in the Army, they're like, 892 00:34:05,233 --> 00:34:06,700 "We teach you leadership," and shit like that, right? 893 00:34:06,700 --> 00:34:08,467 And then... and then you come out... 894 00:34:08,467 --> 00:34:10,533 This guy is laughing 'cause he was in the Army. 895 00:34:10,533 --> 00:34:12,500 "Leadership," my ass. 896 00:34:12,500 --> 00:34:14,400 He's like... he's marching through Iraq, 897 00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:17,400 like, "This shit was not on the commercial." 898 00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:20,000 But the Army-- they-they tell you that, right? 899 00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,266 And then you're in the Navy, and they show you... 900 00:34:22,266 --> 00:34:24,734 you learn high-tech stuff, right? The Air Force and... 901 00:34:24,734 --> 00:34:27,767 it's all high-tech, and you can get a job when you get out. 902 00:34:27,767 --> 00:34:30,266 You ever notice the Marines never run those commercials? 903 00:34:30,266 --> 00:34:33,367 You know why? 'Cause Marines learn to kill people. 904 00:34:33,367 --> 00:34:35,133 Like, that's what they do. 905 00:34:35,133 --> 00:34:37,266 Marines are bad-ass. 906 00:34:37,266 --> 00:34:40,400 You can't get a job doing that after you get out. 907 00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:43,633 You imagine a Marine at a job interview? 908 00:34:43,633 --> 00:34:45,533 Right? He just comes in. 909 00:34:45,533 --> 00:34:50,300 He's like, "Um, sorry, I killed your receptionist. 910 00:34:50,300 --> 00:34:55,166 Well, now, I know you didn't hear it. I'm a Marine." 911 00:34:55,166 --> 00:34:56,467 "Okay." 912 00:34:56,467 --> 00:35:00,567 Man, I hope they laugh when they see this show. 913 00:35:00,567 --> 00:35:04,567 That could be my ass. 914 00:35:04,567 --> 00:35:07,734 No, but I do. I got a lot of respect for the troops. 915 00:35:07,734 --> 00:35:10,300 It's weird, but I was joking about the president. I... 916 00:35:10,300 --> 00:35:12,133 What happened to our government? 917 00:35:12,133 --> 00:35:15,266 When did our government just lose their damn minds, you know? 918 00:35:15,266 --> 00:35:18,266 Weed is legal in DC now, you know that? 919 00:35:18,266 --> 00:35:20,166 You can smoke weed in DC. 920 00:35:20,166 --> 00:35:24,000 I hope that's the explanation for what's going on. 921 00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:28,233 I would love to find out they're all high right now. 922 00:35:28,233 --> 00:35:30,200 Li-Li-Like, you know, that would explain shit. 923 00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:33,300 Like, can you imagine the United States Senate, right? 924 00:35:33,300 --> 00:35:36,033 They're just sitting around smoking weed, like... 925 00:35:36,033 --> 00:35:38,367 (hoarsely): "Man, you know what we should do?" 926 00:35:38,367 --> 00:35:40,333 (exhales, inhales) 927 00:35:40,333 --> 00:35:44,300 "We should write a letter to Iran. 928 00:35:44,300 --> 00:35:47,767 Yeah, tell 'em the president don't count. Aah!" 929 00:35:47,767 --> 00:35:51,533 And I'd be, like, "Oh, that explains that shit." 930 00:35:51,533 --> 00:35:54,467 But, no, man, the show's about to start again. 931 00:35:56,467 --> 00:36:00,100 When I say the show, I mean our next presidential election. 932 00:36:00,100 --> 00:36:01,467 'Cause that's what it's turned into. 933 00:36:01,467 --> 00:36:03,567 It is just... it's the early candidates. 934 00:36:03,567 --> 00:36:05,600 You always get the crazy son of a bitches 935 00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:08,200 right up front, right? 936 00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:09,700 Like we have Ben Carson. 937 00:36:09,700 --> 00:36:14,066 (audience member groans) No. Look, yeah, I know, I know. 938 00:36:14,066 --> 00:36:16,266 (laughter) I know, and it's one of those things. 939 00:36:16,266 --> 00:36:19,233 This is one of the things that I just don't understand, 940 00:36:19,233 --> 00:36:21,100 but I get it, like, with black people. 941 00:36:21,100 --> 00:36:22,734 We are... we are united in the fact 942 00:36:22,734 --> 00:36:24,500 that we're always embarrassed by a stu... 943 00:36:24,500 --> 00:36:26,300 one stupid one, one black person... 944 00:36:26,300 --> 00:36:29,633 I mention Ben Carson, all the black people in the crowd, 945 00:36:29,633 --> 00:36:31,633 are, like, "Oh, shit, yeah. 946 00:36:31,633 --> 00:36:33,367 Oh, shit, we thought..." 947 00:36:33,367 --> 00:36:36,266 No, we thought he was a surgeon, and he's brilliant. 948 00:36:36,266 --> 00:36:38,100 Uh, sorry. 949 00:36:38,100 --> 00:36:39,767 Not responsible for Ben Carson. 950 00:36:39,767 --> 00:36:41,367 Ben Carson... 951 00:36:41,367 --> 00:36:43,100 And I don't understand it. I don't. 952 00:36:43,100 --> 00:36:45,767 The man's a neurosurgeon, right? 953 00:36:45,767 --> 00:36:48,100 And then he comes out, and he says 954 00:36:48,100 --> 00:36:50,166 that Obamacare is the worst thing 955 00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:52,600 to happen since slavery. 956 00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:54,400 And I'm, like, what? 957 00:36:54,400 --> 00:36:58,033 Maybe he got too smart, and his brain just snapped or some shit. 958 00:36:58,033 --> 00:37:00,166 Like, how do you say some shit like that-- 959 00:37:00,166 --> 00:37:02,200 Obamacare is like slavery? 960 00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:04,400 As if 200 years from now, 961 00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:07,600 they're gonna make a movie, Twelve Years of Healthcare. 962 00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:09,734 (laughter and applause) 963 00:37:09,734 --> 00:37:14,266 Right? And it just gonna show some poor bastard 964 00:37:14,266 --> 00:37:18,367 who was uninsured, and they grabbed him, 965 00:37:18,367 --> 00:37:22,000 and they took him down and gave him health insurance. 966 00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:25,000 And then they took him in, and he got a medical exam, 967 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:27,033 and he... he got medication. 968 00:37:27,033 --> 00:37:30,100 And they grabbed his children who were under 26, 969 00:37:30,100 --> 00:37:33,166 and they said, "You, too, are now insured." 970 00:37:33,166 --> 00:37:36,266 And the poor bastard ran. 971 00:37:36,266 --> 00:37:40,166 Wrote letters, say, "Free me from this health insurance. 972 00:37:40,166 --> 00:37:44,667 I'd rather run around uninsured and fucking die." 973 00:37:44,667 --> 00:37:46,567 Insane, right? 974 00:37:46,567 --> 00:37:47,567 You got Ted Cruz. 975 00:37:47,567 --> 00:37:48,633 (people groaning) 976 00:37:48,633 --> 00:37:51,000 Yeah, see, now white people 977 00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:52,767 are, like, "Oh, fuck, he's ours." 978 00:37:52,767 --> 00:37:55,633 That's how we're gonna come together. 979 00:37:55,633 --> 00:37:58,066 We just have these two idiots, and the black people 980 00:37:58,066 --> 00:38:00,300 and white people look at each other and say, "I'm sorry." 981 00:38:00,300 --> 00:38:02,066 "Yeah, so am I. 982 00:38:02,066 --> 00:38:03,700 So am I." 983 00:38:03,700 --> 00:38:06,633 (laughter and applause) 984 00:38:10,700 --> 00:38:13,100 Ted Cruz is fascinating. 985 00:38:13,100 --> 00:38:15,633 First of all, I don't even know what he is. 986 00:38:15,633 --> 00:38:17,734 You know, like, he's Canadian, 987 00:38:17,734 --> 00:38:19,633 or American, so I don't even know. 988 00:38:19,633 --> 00:38:21,700 And he's trying to hide it, and you know... 989 00:38:21,700 --> 00:38:23,333 And-and he's... 990 00:38:23,333 --> 00:38:25,567 whew, this is a live one. 991 00:38:25,567 --> 00:38:30,200 There's a military exercise called "Jade Helm," 992 00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:33,166 and it's all the special forces, like, 993 00:38:33,166 --> 00:38:35,667 literally the most bad-ass military we have. 994 00:38:35,667 --> 00:38:38,567 Like Green Berets and Rangers and SEALs, 995 00:38:38,567 --> 00:38:41,767 and all the special forces are gonna go out in the desert, 996 00:38:41,767 --> 00:38:44,266 and they're gonna do exercises, military exercises, 997 00:38:44,266 --> 00:38:45,600 and figure out-- right? 998 00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:47,500 So this is bad-ass. 999 00:38:47,500 --> 00:38:50,100 And there's this crazy conspiracy theory 1000 00:38:50,100 --> 00:38:54,266 that this military exercise is not a military exercise. 1001 00:38:54,266 --> 00:38:57,667 It's actually Barack Obama's secret plot 1002 00:38:57,667 --> 00:39:00,100 to take over the United States. 1003 00:39:00,100 --> 00:39:02,233 That he's gonna start these, like, 1004 00:39:02,233 --> 00:39:05,100 some kind of weird martial law thing, right? 1005 00:39:05,100 --> 00:39:07,367 And the shit sounds crazy, 1006 00:39:07,367 --> 00:39:10,166 but Ted Cruz, a senator, is, like, 1007 00:39:10,166 --> 00:39:12,367 "Well, I'm gonna call the Pentagon 1008 00:39:12,367 --> 00:39:15,567 and see what's going on." 1009 00:39:15,567 --> 00:39:17,333 And what I love about that-- 1010 00:39:17,333 --> 00:39:20,033 not only are you crazy to believe this conspiracy, 1011 00:39:20,033 --> 00:39:22,200 but you're even crazier to think 1012 00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:24,300 that they have worked out a conspiracy 1013 00:39:24,300 --> 00:39:27,100 between the president, the Pentagon, 1014 00:39:27,100 --> 00:39:31,233 and the most powerful military people in the the United States, 1015 00:39:31,233 --> 00:39:34,100 and somehow, you're gonna stop the whole shit 1016 00:39:34,100 --> 00:39:37,066 by making a phone call. 1017 00:39:37,066 --> 00:39:38,533 (laughter and applause) Right? Like... 1018 00:39:38,533 --> 00:39:41,400 like the head of the Pentagon's gonna be 1019 00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:43,500 on the phone to the president: "Mr. Obama?" "Yeah." 1020 00:39:43,500 --> 00:39:45,000 "They're onto us. 1021 00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,200 "Ted Cruz just make a phone call. 1022 00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:50,667 We just have to abandon the whole fucking plan." 1023 00:39:50,667 --> 00:39:52,667 I don't know. 1024 00:39:52,667 --> 00:39:55,100 Could be the next president of the United States. 1025 00:39:55,100 --> 00:39:57,100 We're bat-shit crazy. 1026 00:39:57,100 --> 00:39:59,233 Never know. Might happen. 1027 00:39:59,233 --> 00:40:02,500 Don't worry, there's not much chance of it happ... 1028 00:40:02,500 --> 00:40:05,433 It's so funny. Young people get worried when I say that. 1029 00:40:05,433 --> 00:40:08,033 I joke with young people, 'cause I love you guys. 1030 00:40:08,033 --> 00:40:09,533 You guys are young, 1031 00:40:09,533 --> 00:40:12,767 and you... the future is yours, and all I can say is, 1032 00:40:12,767 --> 00:40:14,533 "Ha, ha! We're sorry." 1033 00:40:14,533 --> 00:40:16,667 'Cause we pretty much fucked it up. 1034 00:40:16,667 --> 00:40:19,133 I don't know how much you read the paper, 1035 00:40:19,133 --> 00:40:21,533 but, you know, listen, my genera... 1036 00:40:21,533 --> 00:40:23,533 I'm at the base of the baby boomer generation. 1037 00:40:23,533 --> 00:40:26,300 We're getting old, we're getting ready to retire. 1038 00:40:26,300 --> 00:40:29,166 We're getting sick, we're gonna need medical care, all right? 1039 00:40:29,166 --> 00:40:31,333 We ain't gonna be paying taxes anymore. 1040 00:40:31,333 --> 00:40:34,200 We're pretty much gonna be riding you, okay? 1041 00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:36,000 (laughter) And we're gonna... 1042 00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:37,433 Yeah, and you're laughing now, 1043 00:40:37,433 --> 00:40:40,200 but then you're gonna look for a job and a home, 1044 00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:42,533 and you're gonna see we sucked all that shit up. 1045 00:40:42,533 --> 00:40:45,000 And I care, I care about you young people. 1046 00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:46,734 I love you young people. 1047 00:40:46,734 --> 00:40:49,433 And I've come up with a plan, and I want to help you guys. 1048 00:40:49,433 --> 00:40:51,700 Now pay attention. You might want to write this down, 1049 00:40:51,700 --> 00:40:57,300 or fucking tweet it or Snapchat it, or however you communicate. 1050 00:40:57,300 --> 00:41:00,300 Start killing old people, all right? 1051 00:41:00,300 --> 00:41:02,200 They... Listen, it's your only hope. 1052 00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:05,567 Look, no, I'm not saying, like, kill your grandfather. 1053 00:41:05,567 --> 00:41:09,433 But your grandfather's friends-- you don't know them. 1054 00:41:09,433 --> 00:41:11,734 They're just random old people 1055 00:41:11,734 --> 00:41:14,433 in the way of you having a better future. 1056 00:41:14,433 --> 00:41:17,166 Shit, you groaning. You want to own a home one day? 1057 00:41:17,166 --> 00:41:18,066 You better pay attention: 1058 00:41:18,066 --> 00:41:20,066 Start killing old people. 1059 00:41:20,066 --> 00:41:21,767 Yeah. Just get... Yeah. 1060 00:41:21,767 --> 00:41:24,133 Yeah, look, look, you're looking for jobs, 1061 00:41:24,133 --> 00:41:25,600 but there are no jobs, right? 1062 00:41:25,600 --> 00:41:28,467 'Cause we sent your job to Pakistan or some shit, right? 1063 00:41:28,467 --> 00:41:30,166 Good. Now you got free time. 1064 00:41:30,166 --> 00:41:33,000 Volunteer to drive the old folks bus. 1065 00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:35,266 Take 'em out to the middle of the desert, 1066 00:41:35,266 --> 00:41:37,133 tell 'em the bus broke down. 1067 00:41:37,133 --> 00:41:38,734 Go back and get another batch. 1068 00:41:38,734 --> 00:41:40,367 Fuck 'em! 1069 00:41:40,367 --> 00:41:43,200 (laughter, applause) You want to own a home? 1070 00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:44,767 This is the shit you're gonna have to do. 1071 00:41:44,767 --> 00:41:46,367 Yeah, you're laughing, young lady. 1072 00:41:46,367 --> 00:41:47,767 You're a cook. 1073 00:41:47,767 --> 00:41:50,233 Go to the old folks home and spike the soup. 1074 00:41:50,233 --> 00:41:52,600 Get rid of 'em. 1075 00:41:52,600 --> 00:41:55,200 That's right, and when my day comes, fuck, kill me, too. 1076 00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:56,500 I'll go out. You'll be, 1077 00:41:56,500 --> 00:41:58,333 "Alonzo, you know it was your plan." 1078 00:41:58,333 --> 00:42:00,300 I'll be, like, "You got me, you got me." 1079 00:42:00,300 --> 00:42:01,500 (laughter) 1080 00:42:01,500 --> 00:42:04,033 That joke gets nothing in Florida. 1081 00:42:04,033 --> 00:42:06,567 (laughter) 1082 00:42:06,567 --> 00:42:08,700 (applause) 1083 00:42:08,700 --> 00:42:12,300 I don't know. 1084 00:42:12,300 --> 00:42:15,367 It's weird, man. Things have changed. 1085 00:42:15,367 --> 00:42:17,133 Young people-- kids! 1086 00:42:17,133 --> 00:42:18,500 It's so different now. 1087 00:42:18,500 --> 00:42:22,500 I was reading about free-range children. 1088 00:42:22,500 --> 00:42:24,533 Yeah, free-range children-- strangest thing. 1089 00:42:24,533 --> 00:42:27,400 Apparently, today's children-- 1090 00:42:27,400 --> 00:42:29,667 their day is so organized, right? 1091 00:42:29,667 --> 00:42:31,700 They have, like, school, then they have after school, 1092 00:42:31,700 --> 00:42:33,700 then they have soccer practice, then they have ballet. 1093 00:42:33,700 --> 00:42:36,033 Then I don't know whatever the hell else they do. 1094 00:42:36,033 --> 00:42:37,567 But they... their day is so organized. 1095 00:42:37,567 --> 00:42:41,567 The idea of kids just running around is so unheard of 1096 00:42:41,567 --> 00:42:44,400 that now they call it "free-range children." 1097 00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:45,633 Right? So I'm reading an article. 1098 00:42:45,633 --> 00:42:48,433 Some lady in Texas-- her child was playing 1099 00:42:48,433 --> 00:42:51,233 in the field 100 yards from the house. 1100 00:42:51,233 --> 00:42:53,667 And Child Services came 1101 00:42:53,667 --> 00:42:57,467 to get her for allowing the kid to play unsupervised. 1102 00:42:57,467 --> 00:43:00,333 Now, when I was a kid, they used to call that, 1103 00:43:00,333 --> 00:43:01,667 "Go outside!" 1104 00:43:01,667 --> 00:43:04,433 (laughter, applause) That's what it was. 1105 00:43:04,433 --> 00:43:06,567 Your mother... Right? 1106 00:43:06,567 --> 00:43:08,233 (applause, cheering) Your... 1107 00:43:13,166 --> 00:43:16,567 Your mother would just get tired of looking at you. 1108 00:43:16,567 --> 00:43:20,166 It was usually like the second day of summer vacation. 1109 00:43:20,166 --> 00:43:21,533 And she'd... 1110 00:43:21,533 --> 00:43:23,367 (stammering) "Go outside!" 1111 00:43:23,367 --> 00:43:25,066 And that was only instruction you got. 1112 00:43:25,066 --> 00:43:27,033 Go out the house. 1113 00:43:27,033 --> 00:43:29,233 No when to come back, no there's gonna be food. 1114 00:43:29,233 --> 00:43:31,033 Like, "Get your ass outside!" 1115 00:43:31,033 --> 00:43:33,567 Right? Sometime they give you a choice. "In or out? 1116 00:43:33,567 --> 00:43:35,266 "Make up your mind! 1117 00:43:35,266 --> 00:43:37,734 In or out?" 1118 00:43:37,734 --> 00:43:41,233 (applause) Now you had to decide 1119 00:43:41,233 --> 00:43:44,200 whether you were gonna be inside or outside all day, 1120 00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:47,300 and that's a tough decision if you four... 1121 00:43:47,300 --> 00:43:49,300 (laughter) 1122 00:43:49,300 --> 00:43:52,467 Right? Because you're, like, "I can run outside, 1123 00:43:52,467 --> 00:43:55,033 "but inside, they got food. 1124 00:43:55,033 --> 00:43:57,467 I got to make this decision." 1125 00:43:57,467 --> 00:43:59,734 But... and you know, and then you see... 1126 00:43:59,734 --> 00:44:03,200 Like, I don't have kids because I don't have the patience. 1127 00:44:03,200 --> 00:44:05,500 Like, good kids are easy. 1128 00:44:05,500 --> 00:44:09,000 But when I see bad kids, I'm, like, "I-I... I don't know." 1129 00:44:09,000 --> 00:44:11,567 I was... I was at the airport, 1130 00:44:11,567 --> 00:44:14,000 and I was watching Dylan, right? 1131 00:44:14,000 --> 00:44:15,500 And I know his name's Dylan, 1132 00:44:15,500 --> 00:44:18,433 'cause that's what his mother was yelling... 1133 00:44:18,433 --> 00:44:21,367 as she's chasing that little bastard all over the airport. 1134 00:44:21,367 --> 00:44:23,600 'Cause Dylan was about this high, 1135 00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:25,266 and he was fast. 1136 00:44:25,266 --> 00:44:26,533 You know, and he's just going. 1137 00:44:26,533 --> 00:44:28,100 And, like, "Dylan!" 1138 00:44:28,100 --> 00:44:30,500 And that just... fucker run. 1139 00:44:30,500 --> 00:44:32,600 And I'm watching this, and I'm fascinated, right? 1140 00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:35,367 Because the idea of run from your mother? 1141 00:44:35,367 --> 00:44:37,667 Are you out of your mind? 1142 00:44:37,667 --> 00:44:39,300 You must be crazy. 1143 00:44:39,300 --> 00:44:41,767 My mother would dare you to run. 1144 00:44:41,767 --> 00:44:44,033 Dare. It'd be an open challenge. 1145 00:44:44,033 --> 00:44:45,600 "You want to run? Go. 1146 00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:48,567 Go. I'll give you a head start. Run." 1147 00:44:48,567 --> 00:44:51,600 (laughter and applause) "That's right. 1148 00:44:51,600 --> 00:44:53,700 But if you run, don't ever stop." 1149 00:44:53,700 --> 00:44:55,667 (laughter) 1150 00:44:55,667 --> 00:44:59,200 "Don't ever stop 'cause I catch you..." 1151 00:44:59,200 --> 00:45:01,300 (applause and cheering) 1152 00:45:01,300 --> 00:45:03,233 All right, your mom'd be, like, 1153 00:45:03,233 --> 00:45:07,233 "I catch you, I will kill you right where you stand." 1154 00:45:07,233 --> 00:45:10,200 Your mother could threaten to kill you in public, 1155 00:45:10,200 --> 00:45:13,567 and nobody said shit. 1156 00:45:13,567 --> 00:45:17,667 Except other mothers threatening to kill their children. 1157 00:45:17,667 --> 00:45:20,400 They'd be, like, "You want to run with him, 1158 00:45:20,400 --> 00:45:21,633 you die right next to him." 1159 00:45:21,633 --> 00:45:24,367 (laughter and applause) "You die right... Run. 1160 00:45:24,367 --> 00:45:26,700 Go ahead. You die right next to him." 1161 00:45:26,700 --> 00:45:29,333 You couldn't run from your mother 1162 00:45:29,333 --> 00:45:31,667 'cause there was some unwritten rule 1163 00:45:31,667 --> 00:45:34,500 that any mother could hit any kid. 1164 00:45:34,500 --> 00:45:36,667 WOMAN: Yes. Right? You'd be running. 1165 00:45:36,667 --> 00:45:39,533 Some woman you don't even know just see you... 1166 00:45:39,533 --> 00:45:41,333 "What the...?" Wham! "I got him." 1167 00:45:41,333 --> 00:45:43,400 (laughter) "I... No, he's down. 1168 00:45:43,400 --> 00:45:44,467 Whose is he? I got him." 1169 00:45:44,467 --> 00:45:46,166 (laughter, applause) "I got.... No. 1170 00:45:46,166 --> 00:45:48,233 "I got my foot on his neck. He ain't going nowhere. 1171 00:45:48,233 --> 00:45:50,567 "Is he yours? Is he...? 1172 00:45:50,567 --> 00:45:53,633 Catch your breath. Come whip his ass. He's right here." 1173 00:45:56,433 --> 00:45:58,266 I was watching Dylan run, 1174 00:45:58,266 --> 00:46:01,333 and I was gonna elbow the little son of a bitch, you know... 1175 00:46:01,333 --> 00:46:04,400 But I'm not in the NFL. I wouldn't get away with it. 1176 00:46:04,400 --> 00:46:06,333 (audience groaning) 1177 00:46:06,333 --> 00:46:10,333 Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm the bad guy. Yeah. 1178 00:46:10,333 --> 00:46:12,100 Yeah, it's... Listen, 1179 00:46:12,100 --> 00:46:14,700 I'm a football fan. I love football. 1180 00:46:14,700 --> 00:46:17,567 Domestic violence. And it had gotten so ridiculous. 1181 00:46:17,567 --> 00:46:20,433 Like, you literally... they had to give a report 1182 00:46:20,433 --> 00:46:22,533 at the beginning of every game 1183 00:46:22,533 --> 00:46:25,166 as to who was or wasn't gonna be there 1184 00:46:25,166 --> 00:46:28,200 based on what crime they had committed. 1185 00:46:28,200 --> 00:46:29,767 Like, "Well, the running back's out. 1186 00:46:29,767 --> 00:46:31,767 "He done beat his wife again. 1187 00:46:31,767 --> 00:46:33,633 "Then we got a wide receiver. Yeah, he done hit the kid. 1188 00:46:33,633 --> 00:46:35,400 "Tight end. Yeah, he's on parole. 1189 00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:38,033 It's an away game. He can't travel." 1190 00:46:38,033 --> 00:46:40,767 It had gotten ridiculous. That thing with Ray Rice-- 1191 00:46:40,767 --> 00:46:42,767 when Ray Rice beat that woman in that elevator-- 1192 00:46:42,767 --> 00:46:45,533 not only was it terrible, it upset me, 1193 00:46:45,533 --> 00:46:47,600 'cause that affected me personally... you understand? 1194 00:46:47,600 --> 00:46:49,567 'Cause I'm a large black man. 1195 00:46:49,567 --> 00:46:54,467 And now, whenever I get in an elevator, 1196 00:46:54,467 --> 00:46:56,767 the minute a woman steps in, 1197 00:46:56,767 --> 00:46:59,734 I'm like, "You better not pass out. 1198 00:46:59,734 --> 00:47:03,400 "All right? Now, you stay on your side, 1199 00:47:03,400 --> 00:47:05,500 "and I'm over here on my side, 1200 00:47:05,500 --> 00:47:09,066 'cause we both know there's a camera in here somewhere now." 1201 00:47:09,066 --> 00:47:11,567 It was ridiculous. The funniest and saddest thing 1202 00:47:11,567 --> 00:47:14,367 about it was watching Roger Goodell, 1203 00:47:14,367 --> 00:47:16,467 the Commissioner of the NFL. 1204 00:47:16,467 --> 00:47:18,734 Every time he gave a speech, 1205 00:47:18,734 --> 00:47:21,400 he sounded like he just found out 1206 00:47:21,400 --> 00:47:24,233 you're not supposed to hit women. 1207 00:47:24,233 --> 00:47:28,500 He always seemed to be the most confused person in the room. 1208 00:47:28,500 --> 00:47:30,667 He'd just be standing at the podium, like, 1209 00:47:30,667 --> 00:47:33,200 "Uh... uh... 1210 00:47:33,200 --> 00:47:35,100 "apparently, 1211 00:47:35,100 --> 00:47:37,600 "mm, you're not supposed to hit 'em. 1212 00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:39,767 "Uh, I know. Who knew, right? 1213 00:47:39,767 --> 00:47:41,633 "But-but, no, we're gonna straighten it out. 1214 00:47:41,633 --> 00:47:43,567 "We're gonna give him a suspension. 1215 00:47:43,567 --> 00:47:47,033 "We're gonna give him... Whole season? 1216 00:47:47,033 --> 00:47:49,633 "For beating bitches? 1217 00:47:49,633 --> 00:47:52,333 Suspend him for the whole season." 1218 00:47:52,333 --> 00:47:54,567 And the... and the sad thing was, 1219 00:47:54,567 --> 00:47:58,133 when they did that, it had nothing to do with the victims 1220 00:47:58,133 --> 00:48:00,667 of the violence-- it was because of the sponsors, right? 1221 00:48:00,667 --> 00:48:02,000 The sponsors threatened to end it. 1222 00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:03,667 And the... money talks, you know? 1223 00:48:03,667 --> 00:48:06,300 Anheuser-Busch is the biggest sponsor of pro football-- 1224 00:48:06,300 --> 00:48:08,667 the beer company-- and they threatened the NFL. 1225 00:48:08,667 --> 00:48:10,367 And I love how they did it, 1226 00:48:10,367 --> 00:48:12,367 'cause they did it, like, gangster-style. 1227 00:48:12,367 --> 00:48:14,333 Right? You know how gangsters threaten you 1228 00:48:14,333 --> 00:48:16,266 without really threatening you? 1229 00:48:16,266 --> 00:48:20,266 They just make a statement, kind of let you figure it out. 1230 00:48:20,266 --> 00:48:22,166 So, Anheuser-Busch, they said, "Listen, 1231 00:48:22,166 --> 00:48:26,033 "we are gonna have to rethink our relationship 1232 00:48:26,033 --> 00:48:27,667 with the NFL," right? 1233 00:48:27,667 --> 00:48:29,266 Which is like Tony Soprano saying, 1234 00:48:29,266 --> 00:48:32,633 "I'm thinking about taking you for a ride." 1235 00:48:32,633 --> 00:48:36,000 Here's the thing: you know how bad you have to beat women 1236 00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:40,633 for a beer company to tell you to stop beating women? 1237 00:48:40,633 --> 00:48:42,734 Like, you know you've crossed the line-- let's be honest. 1238 00:48:42,734 --> 00:48:44,500 The only thing beer sponsors 1239 00:48:44,500 --> 00:48:47,567 more than football is beating women. 1240 00:48:47,567 --> 00:48:50,033 Shit, we've all seen Cops. 1241 00:48:50,033 --> 00:48:52,033 Every time that fucker comes out the trailer, 1242 00:48:52,033 --> 00:48:53,734 he got a beer in his hand. 1243 00:48:53,734 --> 00:48:58,400 (applause, cheering) 1244 00:48:58,400 --> 00:49:02,300 I love the odd moments you guys turn on me. You're like... 1245 00:49:02,300 --> 00:49:06,300 "Hey, Alonzo, go easy on the beer companies now." 1246 00:49:08,667 --> 00:49:11,433 I don't know. You think when all that was going on 1247 00:49:11,433 --> 00:49:14,133 that, like, the owners and executives in the NFL 1248 00:49:14,133 --> 00:49:16,700 were sitting around, saying, "Man, remember the good old days 1249 00:49:16,700 --> 00:49:19,567 when our only problem was gay?" 1250 00:49:19,567 --> 00:49:21,700 Right? See, 'cause people forgot that. 1251 00:49:21,700 --> 00:49:24,000 At the beginning of last football season, 1252 00:49:24,000 --> 00:49:25,333 that was the big issue, 1253 00:49:25,333 --> 00:49:28,000 the possibility of a gay football player. 1254 00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:29,734 We had that kid, Michael Sam, right? 1255 00:49:29,734 --> 00:49:33,000 Drafted out of college, openly gay. And they were p... 1256 00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:35,467 "Oh, my God, gay? No, we can't have a gay guy. 1257 00:49:35,467 --> 00:49:36,633 "He'll ruin the league. 1258 00:49:36,633 --> 00:49:38,500 What about the NFL morals clause?" 1259 00:49:38,500 --> 00:49:41,500 And I was like, "The what?! 1260 00:49:41,500 --> 00:49:43,166 The what? There's an N..." 1261 00:49:43,166 --> 00:49:46,633 I didn't know there was an NFL morals clause. 1262 00:49:46,633 --> 00:49:48,333 'Cause I was watching the game, 1263 00:49:48,333 --> 00:49:52,600 and the dog killer threw a pass to the wife beater, 1264 00:49:52,600 --> 00:49:56,100 who was tackled by the attempted murderer. 1265 00:49:56,100 --> 00:49:58,767 And... Yeah. 1266 00:50:04,100 --> 00:50:08,100 At no point did they throw a morals flag. 1267 00:50:08,100 --> 00:50:11,500 And I just guaranteed I will never get an NFL gig. 1268 00:50:11,500 --> 00:50:13,667 That's-- okay. 1269 00:50:13,667 --> 00:50:17,166 I don't understand the panic over gay athletes, 1270 00:50:17,166 --> 00:50:21,000 like we haven't had gay athletes since the beginning of time. 1271 00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:24,633 What, are you kidding? Male figure skating? 1272 00:50:24,633 --> 00:50:28,700 I don't even know if that's a sport, but I know it's gay. 1273 00:50:28,700 --> 00:50:31,233 All right? I'm looking at my screen. 1274 00:50:31,233 --> 00:50:34,367 There's a guy in tight spandex with sequins spinning around. 1275 00:50:34,367 --> 00:50:38,000 Some gay shit going on... on the screen. 1276 00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:41,300 That-that Olympic wrestling. That Greco-Roman wrest... 1277 00:50:41,300 --> 00:50:44,266 That's the gayest shit I have ever seen. 1278 00:50:44,266 --> 00:50:48,066 That is so gay that two gay guys could be blowing each other, 1279 00:50:48,066 --> 00:50:51,266 and they will stop, remove the penis from their mouth, and say, 1280 00:50:51,266 --> 00:50:54,700 "That's some gay shit you watching. That's..." 1281 00:50:56,033 --> 00:50:57,333 That's how gay it is, 1282 00:50:57,333 --> 00:50:59,734 when two guys in spandex and sweat 1283 00:50:59,734 --> 00:51:03,033 start wrasslin', you know what I'm saying? 1284 00:51:03,033 --> 00:51:04,633 And-and it's so funny, 'cause we always panic 1285 00:51:04,633 --> 00:51:06,600 about gay people doing something. 1286 00:51:06,600 --> 00:51:09,000 Then they do it, right? And nothing happens. 1287 00:51:09,000 --> 00:51:10,533 And then, suddenly, we're cool with it. 1288 00:51:10,533 --> 00:51:12,266 So, we had Jason Collins, 1289 00:51:12,266 --> 00:51:14,467 basketball player, first openly gay man 1290 00:51:14,467 --> 00:51:16,400 in a major team sport, right? 1291 00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:19,000 Jason came out, played a basketball game, 1292 00:51:19,000 --> 00:51:21,400 lightning did not strike the arena. 1293 00:51:21,400 --> 00:51:23,133 Suddenly, we were all good with it: 1294 00:51:23,133 --> 00:51:25,200 "Oh, Jason, we love you. We're so proud. 1295 00:51:25,200 --> 00:51:27,600 Oh, Jason, we're..." And I call bullshit on that. 1296 00:51:27,600 --> 00:51:31,066 You love Jason Collins. Course you love Jason Collins. 1297 00:51:31,066 --> 00:51:34,300 Jason Collins is seven feet tall, 1298 00:51:34,300 --> 00:51:37,033 255 pounds. 1299 00:51:37,033 --> 00:51:40,533 You know what that is? That's a lot of gay. 1300 00:51:40,533 --> 00:51:42,633 Right? Of course you support a gay man 1301 00:51:42,633 --> 00:51:45,133 who's seven feet, 255. 1302 00:51:45,133 --> 00:51:47,633 What, you be, "Hey, you big fag!" No. 1303 00:51:47,633 --> 00:51:51,433 No, that's never gonna happen. 1304 00:51:51,433 --> 00:51:55,200 You meet a man who's seven feet, 255, and gay, 1305 00:51:55,200 --> 00:51:57,667 your only hope is he don't decide 1306 00:51:57,667 --> 00:52:01,600 you're gonna be gay. 1307 00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:04,300 Right? 'Cause the moment he makes that decision, 1308 00:52:04,300 --> 00:52:07,433 you're just along for the ride now. 1309 00:52:07,433 --> 00:52:09,533 "All right, now, Jason, you be gentle now. 1310 00:52:09,533 --> 00:52:11,500 "I ain't never done this before. 1311 00:52:11,500 --> 00:52:13,600 "Th-That thing looks kind of big. 1312 00:52:13,600 --> 00:52:16,700 I don't know." 1313 00:52:16,700 --> 00:52:20,367 Oh, man. This is fun, man. 1314 00:52:20,367 --> 00:52:23,033 Having a good time with this show. 1315 00:52:23,033 --> 00:52:25,033 My foot's kind of hurting, but I... 1316 00:52:25,033 --> 00:52:27,700 I would sit down, but I can't do comedy sitting down. 1317 00:52:27,700 --> 00:52:30,700 'Cause Bill Cosby does comedy sitting down. 1318 00:52:30,700 --> 00:52:32,367 (audience groans, laughs) 1319 00:52:32,367 --> 00:52:34,233 See? See? You work all your year... 1320 00:52:34,233 --> 00:52:35,600 all your life, as a comic, 1321 00:52:35,600 --> 00:52:37,734 you work to be like Cos, and now I'm, like, 1322 00:52:37,734 --> 00:52:40,133 "Eh, don't do that to 'em." 1323 00:52:40,133 --> 00:52:41,667 That's such a weird situation, right? 1324 00:52:41,667 --> 00:52:43,300 I had to think a lot about it. 1325 00:52:43,300 --> 00:52:45,633 'Cause I'm a big fan of Bill Cosby the comic. 1326 00:52:45,633 --> 00:52:47,734 I think, you know, genius comic, right? 1327 00:52:47,734 --> 00:52:49,600 But it was one of those things 1328 00:52:49,600 --> 00:52:52,100 that, because we love him so much, 1329 00:52:52,100 --> 00:52:55,100 we didn't want to believe it, you know what I mean? 1330 00:52:55,100 --> 00:52:58,667 So-so you have all this testimony and-and witnesses 1331 00:52:58,667 --> 00:53:00,600 and people... women who've been through it, 1332 00:53:00,600 --> 00:53:04,033 but we can't... we-we have the proof, we know it's true, 1333 00:53:04,033 --> 00:53:06,033 but we don't want to believe it. 1334 00:53:06,033 --> 00:53:10,333 It's like being a Republican every day. 1335 00:53:10,333 --> 00:53:14,333 I know it's a cheap shot, but I had to take it. 1336 00:53:14,333 --> 00:53:17,467 All right, all right, we're off all of that. Yeah. 1337 00:53:17,467 --> 00:53:20,567 Loosened up now. I'm looking at this good-looking crowd. 1338 00:53:20,567 --> 00:53:22,567 A lot of couples and all that. 1339 00:53:22,567 --> 00:53:24,200 I don't even want to go into that, 1340 00:53:24,200 --> 00:53:27,000 but it's-it's so weird now, right? Dating. 1341 00:53:27,000 --> 00:53:31,233 Everything's changed with the advent of-of social media 1342 00:53:31,233 --> 00:53:33,500 and-and you carry your phone all the time. 1343 00:53:33,500 --> 00:53:36,033 Like, now, you want to hook up? 1344 00:53:36,033 --> 00:53:37,533 (scoffs) There's an app for that. 1345 00:53:37,533 --> 00:53:39,734 That shit is amazing to me. 1346 00:53:39,734 --> 00:53:41,233 Like, now you want to get laid, 1347 00:53:41,233 --> 00:53:43,166 you just take out your phone, right? And then... 1348 00:53:43,166 --> 00:53:45,133 You know, 'cause... I mean, it's a different generation. 1349 00:53:45,133 --> 00:53:46,633 I don't do it, right? My nephew... 1350 00:53:46,633 --> 00:53:49,133 I got a nephew in his 20s-- he was showing it to me, man. 1351 00:53:49,133 --> 00:53:51,667 Like, Tinder and Instagram. My nephew's, like, 1352 00:53:51,667 --> 00:53:53,567 a Instagram assassin. 1353 00:53:53,567 --> 00:53:56,300 He is! He showed me. He said, "Look, Unc, all you do 1354 00:53:56,300 --> 00:53:57,734 "is you flick through the pictures, right. 1355 00:53:57,734 --> 00:53:59,467 "Then you hit one, you hit 'like,' 1356 00:53:59,467 --> 00:54:00,667 "then she hits 'like.' 1357 00:54:00,667 --> 00:54:02,767 A couple of days later, bam." 1358 00:54:02,767 --> 00:54:06,233 And I'm, like, "On a 'like'?! 1359 00:54:06,233 --> 00:54:09,400 That's all the effort you put in? A like." 1360 00:54:09,400 --> 00:54:13,233 Shit, if that worked, I'd have 23 kids. You kidding? 1361 00:54:13,233 --> 00:54:16,233 And I'm not knocking it. I'm cool with this. 1362 00:54:16,233 --> 00:54:18,266 Just shows how things have changed, you know. 1363 00:54:18,266 --> 00:54:21,433 'Cause I-I'll admit, I look, you know, 1364 00:54:21,433 --> 00:54:24,100 but I can't be trying to hook up on Instagram. 1365 00:54:24,100 --> 00:54:25,467 I'm a little too old to be trying. 1366 00:54:25,467 --> 00:54:27,066 I can look on Instagram. 1367 00:54:27,066 --> 00:54:28,433 I can't be hitting on girls on Instagram. 1368 00:54:28,433 --> 00:54:32,166 Then I'd be the creepy guy on Instagram, right? 1369 00:54:32,166 --> 00:54:34,066 And-and, no, I used to think 1370 00:54:34,066 --> 00:54:36,467 creepy was the worst thing a guy could be. 1371 00:54:36,467 --> 00:54:39,033 And then I heard these two girls talking 1372 00:54:39,033 --> 00:54:41,633 about a guy who looked rapey. 1373 00:54:41,633 --> 00:54:44,300 And I was like, "That's a thing now? 1374 00:54:44,300 --> 00:54:46,233 There's rapey out there?" 1375 00:54:46,233 --> 00:54:49,166 That is the worst shit I have ever heard. 1376 00:54:49,166 --> 00:54:53,200 Can you imagine being described as rapey? 1377 00:54:53,200 --> 00:54:55,266 Right, if you looked rapey, 1378 00:54:55,266 --> 00:54:58,467 you would do anything to get back to creepy, wouldn't you? 1379 00:54:58,467 --> 00:55:01,467 Wouldn't you? You'd be at the gym every day. 1380 00:55:01,467 --> 00:55:03,200 Like, "Man, you're working out hard." 1381 00:55:03,200 --> 00:55:05,066 "Man, I got to get back to creepy. 1382 00:55:05,066 --> 00:55:08,467 Somehow I done slipped into rapey." 1383 00:55:08,467 --> 00:55:12,734 How do you function in everyday life looking rapey? 1384 00:55:12,734 --> 00:55:17,133 Right? You can't go to the grocery store looking rapey. 1385 00:55:17,133 --> 00:55:19,467 You're like, "Wow, there's no one in the aisle." 1386 00:55:19,467 --> 00:55:22,233 'Cause your rapey ass is in the aisle! 1387 00:55:22,233 --> 00:55:25,533 How 'bout you go home, someone else can buy some cereal today, 1388 00:55:25,533 --> 00:55:27,667 you rapey son of a bitch? 1389 00:55:27,667 --> 00:55:31,333 Can't buy a car. Right? 1390 00:55:31,333 --> 00:55:35,200 The minute... the minute you hit the-the car lot, the guy's like, 1391 00:55:35,200 --> 00:55:38,166 "Oh, oh, yeah, we got vans in the back. 1392 00:55:38,166 --> 00:55:39,667 "Well, no, you look kind of rapey. 1393 00:55:39,667 --> 00:55:41,233 "We figure you need a new van. 1394 00:55:41,233 --> 00:55:45,700 It's clean. No DNA on those vans." 1395 00:55:45,700 --> 00:55:47,500 Worst... And I asked the girls, 1396 00:55:47,500 --> 00:55:50,100 'cause I had never heard "rapey" before, 1397 00:55:50,100 --> 00:55:51,533 and I said... I said, "So... 1398 00:55:51,533 --> 00:55:54,100 "This... If you knew a guy who looked rapey, 1399 00:55:54,100 --> 00:55:56,367 like, would you tell him?" 1400 00:55:56,367 --> 00:55:59,767 And, look, she's shaking her head, like, "No. No." 1401 00:55:59,767 --> 00:56:02,033 And that's horrible. 1402 00:56:02,033 --> 00:56:04,233 That is wrong. That is wrong. 1403 00:56:04,233 --> 00:56:06,066 Because... Who's-who's here? Like, this guy, you're here 1404 00:56:06,066 --> 00:56:07,400 with your lady, right? If she goes out, 1405 00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:09,300 if she has something in her teeth 1406 00:56:09,300 --> 00:56:12,133 and you don't say anything, you're an asshole. 1407 00:56:12,133 --> 00:56:16,100 Right? Yet you could walk around looking rapey for years. 1408 00:56:16,100 --> 00:56:18,233 And nobody tells you. You're like, 1409 00:56:18,233 --> 00:56:20,133 "Wow, I ain't had a date in a long time." 1410 00:56:20,133 --> 00:56:21,500 "Well, you look kind of rapey." 1411 00:56:21,500 --> 00:56:23,533 "When were you gonna tell me that?!" 1412 00:56:23,533 --> 00:56:26,266 That is information a man could use. 1413 00:56:26,266 --> 00:56:28,133 Ladies, if you have a friend who looks rapey, 1414 00:56:28,133 --> 00:56:31,567 let him in on it. 1415 00:56:33,233 --> 00:56:35,033 Uh... 1416 00:56:35,033 --> 00:56:37,367 This was a fun show. I gotta wrap up the show, 1417 00:56:37,367 --> 00:56:39,533 but I never want to end the show on "rapey." 1418 00:56:39,533 --> 00:56:42,266 Right? 'Cause that... 'cause that's what'll happen. 1419 00:56:42,266 --> 00:56:44,266 The show would be... "How was the show, man?" 1420 00:56:44,266 --> 00:56:47,300 "Alonzo, th-that's a rapey guy. He..." 1421 00:56:47,300 --> 00:56:50,266 You guys all be on Twitter: "Yeah, Alonzo. 1422 00:56:50,266 --> 00:56:52,600 Yeah. 1423 00:56:52,600 --> 00:56:54,533 I don't need that attached to my name. 1424 00:56:54,533 --> 00:56:58,033 I-I travel to other countries. I can see myself now, 1425 00:56:58,033 --> 00:57:02,433 just standing at the border, "Ooh, slow down, Mr. Rapey. 1426 00:57:02,433 --> 00:57:04,600 We don't need you here." 1427 00:57:04,600 --> 00:57:07,233 I do, as I said, I travel all the time. 1428 00:57:07,233 --> 00:57:09,200 Love... love seeing other countries. 1429 00:57:09,200 --> 00:57:13,266 And it's so funny, their impression of the United States. 1430 00:57:13,266 --> 00:57:15,433 Right? I was in the Netherlands. 1431 00:57:15,433 --> 00:57:18,467 Guy comes up, "So do you know Barack Obama?" 1432 00:57:18,467 --> 00:57:21,433 Like I would just know him, you know? 1433 00:57:21,433 --> 00:57:23,633 Like, "Well, yeah, he comes to the meetings." 1434 00:57:23,633 --> 00:57:25,300 And I've... 1435 00:57:25,300 --> 00:57:27,433 (laughter, applause) You know? 1436 00:57:31,033 --> 00:57:33,700 I don't know Barack Obama. Barack Obama's the president. 1437 00:57:33,700 --> 00:57:36,700 The president has a whole team of Secret Service 1438 00:57:36,700 --> 00:57:39,300 to protect him from stranger-- no, wait a minute, 1439 00:57:39,300 --> 00:57:41,166 they don't really protect Barack Obama, do they? 1440 00:57:41,166 --> 00:57:44,033 Maybe I will wander in the White House. 1441 00:57:44,033 --> 00:57:46,066 No, I'm kidding. I would love to meet him. 1442 00:57:46,066 --> 00:57:49,467 I never met the president. So it's weird meeting someone 1443 00:57:49,467 --> 00:57:52,066 who's, like, that famous, you know what I mean? 1444 00:57:52,066 --> 00:57:54,734 Like, not even celebrity but that next level 1445 00:57:54,734 --> 00:57:57,467 of unbelievable fame. Not too long ago, 1446 00:57:57,467 --> 00:58:00,066 I met Quincy Jones. 1447 00:58:00,066 --> 00:58:03,433 (whooping) And... Yeah, exac... See, that's the reaction you get, yeah. 1448 00:58:03,433 --> 00:58:07,200 See, you're applauding for me just 'cause I met 1449 00:58:07,200 --> 00:58:09,600 Quincy Jones. That's how crazy... 1450 00:58:09,600 --> 00:58:12,166 Like, Quincy Jones-- the greatest music producer 1451 00:58:12,166 --> 00:58:13,667 of all time, and-and he was... 1452 00:58:13,667 --> 00:58:15,400 Couldn't have been a nicer guy. 1453 00:58:15,400 --> 00:58:18,066 Just-just very down-to-earth and he's talking, 1454 00:58:18,066 --> 00:58:19,600 but when you talk with Quincy Jones, 1455 00:58:19,600 --> 00:58:22,467 you got to understand the level of story 1456 00:58:22,467 --> 00:58:25,400 you're gonna get... because of who he is. 1457 00:58:25,400 --> 00:58:27,633 So he's talking about having made records 1458 00:58:27,633 --> 00:58:31,567 with-with Frank Sinatra and Michael Jackson, right? 1459 00:58:31,567 --> 00:58:33,500 And he's met, like, 1460 00:58:33,500 --> 00:58:35,600 all the presidents, you know what I mean? 1461 00:58:35,600 --> 00:58:38,133 He's done music with-with everybody from-from... 1462 00:58:38,133 --> 00:58:41,133 He was talking about meeting Brezhnev, president of Russia. 1463 00:58:41,133 --> 00:58:43,667 And-and Barack Obama and, of course, Clinton. 1464 00:58:43,667 --> 00:58:46,200 He did music for an Olymp-- and I'm just sitting there, 1465 00:58:46,200 --> 00:58:48,734 like, "Holy shit. 1466 00:58:48,734 --> 00:58:50,700 I got nothin'." 1467 00:58:50,700 --> 00:58:52,633 You know what I mean? 1468 00:58:52,633 --> 00:58:55,500 Like, what do you say when the conversation 1469 00:58:55,500 --> 00:58:57,567 comes to you, you know? It's like, you-you... 1470 00:58:57,567 --> 00:59:01,033 friends with Ray Charles, you know, Stevie Wonder. 1471 00:59:01,033 --> 00:59:04,433 Like, get to me, I'm like, "Listen, Mr. Jones, 1472 00:59:04,433 --> 00:59:06,266 "the best story I got-- 1473 00:59:06,266 --> 00:59:09,166 I fuckin' met you." 1474 00:59:09,166 --> 00:59:12,667 Like, I just met Quincy Jones. Let me tell you about that. 1475 00:59:12,667 --> 00:59:15,266 It's the most awkward moment. 1476 00:59:15,266 --> 00:59:17,133 He was very impressed 1477 00:59:17,133 --> 00:59:20,467 with the fact that I know Quincy Jones, though. I... 1478 00:59:20,467 --> 00:59:23,033 I was, uh, I don't know... funny, man, it's funny. 1479 00:59:23,033 --> 00:59:25,600 I laugh at random stuff. Again, that's the biggest 1480 00:59:25,600 --> 00:59:28,033 question people have of comics: what do you laugh at? 1481 00:59:28,033 --> 00:59:30,500 If you follow me around during the day, you'll see me laughing 1482 00:59:30,500 --> 00:59:32,400 and you won't even know what I'm laughing at. 1483 00:59:32,400 --> 00:59:35,400 'Cause I just saw some random, funny shit. 1484 00:59:35,400 --> 00:59:37,166 I was crossing the street. 1485 00:59:37,166 --> 00:59:40,133 I'm standing at the crosswalk, right? 1486 00:59:40,133 --> 00:59:44,133 A seeing-eye dog walked right up next to me and stopped. 1487 00:59:44,133 --> 00:59:47,100 No blind person. 1488 00:59:47,100 --> 00:59:48,667 It was just the dog. 1489 00:59:48,667 --> 00:59:51,000 He had the harness on and everything. 1490 00:59:51,000 --> 00:59:53,633 And I'm looking at him like, "Yo, man, you lost something." 1491 00:59:56,200 --> 00:59:58,500 And I was laughing, 'cause all I was thinking 1492 00:59:58,500 --> 01:00:00,700 is somewhere there's a blind guy going, 1493 01:00:00,700 --> 01:00:02,567 "Where's my dog?!" 1494 01:00:02,567 --> 01:00:04,567 And people like, "Oh, the poor son of a bitch 1495 01:00:04,567 --> 01:00:06,567 thinks he has a dog." 1496 01:00:06,567 --> 01:00:08,367 And the light changed 1497 01:00:08,367 --> 01:00:11,200 and the dog got up and walked across the street. 1498 01:00:11,200 --> 01:00:13,667 And I'm like, "Son of a bitch, you good." 1499 01:00:13,667 --> 01:00:17,033 You guys are good, too, man. I'm Alonzo Bodden. 1500 01:00:17,033 --> 01:00:18,767 Thank you so much. 1501 01:00:18,767 --> 01:00:21,000 (cheering, whooping) Thank you, guys. 1502 01:00:21,000 --> 01:00:23,633 ♪ ♪ 1503 01:00:30,000 --> 01:00:31,533 Thank you. 1504 01:00:31,533 --> 01:00:34,066 Thank you, up top. 1505 01:00:34,066 --> 01:00:36,266 Chicago! 1506 01:00:36,266 --> 01:00:39,133 (audience whistling, cheering) 1507 01:00:44,033 --> 01:00:46,734 Hashtag rapey! 1508 01:00:46,734 --> 01:00:50,033 Captioning sponsored by LEVITY ENTERTAINMENT GROUP 1509 01:00:50,033 --> 01:00:52,467 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org